In news that will shock precisely no-one Sky Sports confirmed this morning of their imminent intention to officially merge with their sister station MUTV.
The merger is scheduled to take effect prior to this Sunday’s visit to Southampton and already the Cutter has been given a sneak preview to a giant promotional poster for the game that displays the most expensive teenager in football history alongside Martin Tyler in what appears to be a state of arousal. Beneath them in dramatic Trajan font screams the words ‘Martial and Tyler = The Second Coming’.
The announcement of the multi-million pound union was made at 10am GMT in the heart of United’s stronghold of central London in front of a huge screen showing Rooney’s ‘shinner-winner’ in the 2011 derby playing on an endless loop. The assembled throng of journalists muttered and tutted throughout before leaving en masse to – in the words of one disgruntled hack – “report on some actual news not something that’s been blazingly obvious for twenty years”.
This left the path clear for the Cutter to obtain one of its famous exclusives and with Sky Sports’ Managing Director Willie Morgan ending his press conference with a rousing rendition of ‘Louis Van Gaal’s red and white army’ we approached…
DC: What would you say to the millions of non-United fans who pay a small fortune to subscribe to your channels? Might they be rightfully aggrieved at this development?
WM: No, not at all. There will be absolutely no changes made to our coverage, editorial or otherwise, and everything will remain exactly the same. The panel will continue to be heavily populated with ex United legends even for games that United are not involved in and our commentators will continue to mention Manchester United at every given opportunity even for games United are not involved in. So if they’re stupid enough to pay through the nose for our services in the past they’re certainly not going to notice any discernible difference now.
DC: So if there’s not going to be any ‘discernible difference’ why even merge at all?
WM: Because we were so tired of having to hide in plain sight! Man U have 650 M supporters across the globe and make up a sizable share of our audience grab and together the club and Sky have assisted each other to vast fortunes and glory. Yet we’re still expected to be impartial and get similarly excited when that blue lot score? Ridiculous. We’re not Pravda but we know which side our bread is buttered and if a character from a soap opera gets mountains of fan mail does that actor not get given better, more prominent storylines? That’s all it comes down to – common business sense.
The liberation we all feel now that we’re ‘out’…oh God it feels so good! No more pretending. No more paying lip service to…I dunno, West Hamwich Albion.
DC: So what can we expect this Sunday? Bias and exaggerated hyperbole?
WM: Of course. In fact we trialled our approach last Saturday in the Liverpool game. Did you not notice? I personally thought Martin went a bit OTT by stating Martial was ‘worth every penny’ of his £58m simply for scoring on his debut but Paddy Crerand called me up afterwards to say ‘fine work today boys’ and that’s good enough for me.
DC: I suppose this merger could be viewed as refreshing honesty, and will certainly mean those who have long suspected you of United bias can take off their proverbial tinfoil hats….
WM: That’s the spirit old boy. And I must reiterate that nothing will change save for us now discarding our very poor disguise. Oh there is one difference – we’re dispensing with the services of Dwight Yorke. We just felt that while it’s in our best interests to don red-coloured spectacles at all times and talk up every aspect of the club, well, there are limits. That lad needs help.