Paul sees his agent secure a 'grand for blinking' clause.

Paul sees his agent secure a ‘grand for blinking’ clause.

Kieran Davies returns to review seven days where gossip has been consumed like tic-tacs and Mike Bassett has lost all comedic value.

There are few constants in life, grass is green, water is wet and more lies are told in the media than all the courtrooms up and down the country combined. Yet it is not a lie when you attribute the word ‘gossip’ to the piece. That’s right the silly season is back and there’s a transfer window open! Sadly, the dross that is churned out by media sources isn’t just limited to these periods and seem to run all year round now. No piece of sanity can get in the way of the latest false promise made to you by news sources where mind altering drugs are digested like tic-tac’s, or so you would think. After all, who would believe that Lucas Leiva would still be contemplating listening to suitors from Turkey post failed coup? Apparently us! It’s become tiresome now to read the transfer gossip as you crave to find out what business your club are looking to do. Don’t get me wrong, the droids you are looking for are out there but now they’re hidden like a ball in a game of cups. Like shopping in most major supermarkets in this country, you have to wade through the produce until you find something deemed anywhere near worth consumption.

The problem is, football is a tribal culture and you wear your team’s colours like a heart on your sleeve. Especially prior to the season starting, we need to feel a connection to our clubs. This is the chance your manager has to change that squad who didn’t live up to expectations last season, or in few cases, hold on to those players that allowed you to exceed all expectations when Europe’s elite come knocking. News sources know this better than anyone and know a picture of Lionel Messi on a back page with a Chelsea, Man City or Man Utd badge in the article will sell paper after paper after paper. I’m pretty sure most of the ‘reliable sources’ quoted in these stories are just figments of somebody’s imagination and leave us thinking we are hunting for Keyser Soze! More and more the masses take the word of the media as gospel and start celebrating over every social media platform known to man as soon as the story hits. The reality is, until that player is stood at your training ground, in front of the team’s crest, looking like the club shop has thrown up on him, this is all the inane ramblings of someone trying to sell papers. Sometimes they will be right, but even a broken watch is right twice a day!

The prices touted on these transfers are just becoming more and more insane as the latest doing the rounds is how Man Utd plan to spend £100m on someone they let go for next to nothing only a few years ago! This would totally eclipse anything Chelsea have done in the past when re-signing ex-players. The hierarchy at Gold Trafford seem to be willing to throw phenomenal amounts of money to whoever their manager is, craving success like a junkie whose last fix is wearing off, clucking at the thought of more. The levels spent in Moyes/Van Gaal and now Mourinho’s tenures could have allowed the Manchester outfit to colonise Mars for less, yet still they chase past glories only achieved by Alex Ferguson. With the additions of Mourinho, Guardiola and Conte to the Premier League manager’s roster this season it should be the most entertaining yet when you consider the league already has some of the best managers in Wenger, Klopp, Pochettino, Ranieri and Bilic but to name a few. This could be the most eagerly contested season the Premier League has seen since its sponsors Barclays have been the name on the brand, or at the very least since their bankers pissed all our money up against the wall and needed bailing out.

So England have announced Mike Bassett (I mean Sam Allardyce) as the new England manager and many fans don’t seem happy with the appointment. Who did they actually think was more suited to the role? Arsene Wenger? Well I suppose he is accustomed to never spending money on transfers so maybe he has been practising for international management for the last seven transfer windows? Gareth Southgate was a popular choice with many people but I’m not sure going from someone who can’t say their R’s to someone who ends up on their arse when it comes to a penalty shootout, is a natural transition to be honest. Maybe Peter Andre was the answer? At the very least he should know how to cope with yet another dismal performance with Iceland! The problem with the England national team seems to be more with the set up at the FA as opposed to the manager themselves, although Woy was the wrong choice from day one. He looked out of his depth at Liverpool so how they thought he would cope with arguably the biggest job in English football is beyond me. Whether trying to replicate some of Wales’ success story from the Euro’s or not, I think ‘Big Sam’ deserves his chance and a national team is always better off for having a manager from the nation in question.

Leicester City might want to consider a pre-season training camp in the foothills of Afghanistan, right up until the day before the kick off to ensure no more of their players have their heads turned by other clubs prior to the defence of their crown. They are in serious danger of falling into the Southampton business model of the annual firesale of any player not bolted to the floor! Everton have a new manager in Ronald Koeman who seemed to have his head turned by the promise of huge transfer kitties from the toffees new part owner. Now at the helm, Koeman must feel like he’s in some alternate reality Brewster’s Millions where the aim is to spend nothing in 30 days to ensure they get their entire inheritance! Although they have signed Leicester City’s scout responsible for finding gems like Mahrez and Kante, let’s see how he plays up front if Lukaku gets his wish to go back to Chelsea like a domestic abuse victim with Stockholm Syndrome! There’s not long to go until the season kicks off, the thought of which makes us salivate but no doubt after three weeks of Michael Owen talking drivel we will all contemplate at least once ending it all in a Kurt Cobain style blaze of glory!