The Crystal Maze – A teenage orange-skinned slapper called Crystal has to spend a night in a footballer’s mansion without being roasted by the player and several of his drunken team-mates. If she survives the Crystal Dome (the master bedroom) she is allowed to sell her story to a national newspaper and enjoy a fleeting smidgeon of fame.
The Old Grey Whistle Test – Retired referees from the 1970s dig out their trusty, rusty pea-rattler and take part in a Sunday League game. The fun is in watching them struggle with modern day rule-changes whilst suffering minor coronaries.
The Crosby Show – Ex-Notts Forest winger Gary Crosby is forced to live with an affluent African-American family in Brooklyn, New York. The jazz-loving father gently teases him each week but Gary doesn’t mind because the middle daughter is well fit.
Love Thy Neighbour – City boss Roberto Mancini moves into Alderley Edge….right next door to Alex Ferguson. Hilarity ensues when the permanently-pissed Scotsman struggles to understand the urbane Italian’s accent. ‘We friends out of football? It eez important yes?’ ‘What did you just say? You want to pinch my wife’s arse?!’ ‘No, no. We friends si?’ ‘Pasta carbanara? I don’t want any of that muck. Now you best reverse right out of here sonny’.
Findus Keepers – Based on the Charlie’s Angels concept, a reclusive crispy pancake magnate recruits three former goalkeepers to trace and return stolen property. Each week he relates each case via speakerphone. Bryan Gunn is picked purely for his name, Peter Bonetti provides a touch of the exotic, whilst Gary Bailey plays the glamorous blonde.
