It’s every manager’s fear; to receive the dreaded vote-of-confidence from his chairman. Our gravest sympathies then must go to Avram Grant who yesterday was handed a stay-of-execution from co-chairman David Gold that was given with the reluctance of a womanizer committing to a pregnant one-night-stand.

Gold, the love-child of Del-Boy and Nookie bear – was forced to retain the morose Israeli after his frantic search for a replacement was met with across-the-board refusals.

It is widely believed that Martin O’Neill was in the frame until he threw a typical wobbly after his imminent appointment was prematurely leaked to the press. However, Cutter sources claim that the excitable O’Neill in fact turned the offer down flat the very second he was approached.

We also have knowledge that the ex-Leicester and Villa weirdo wasn’t the only man sought out to take over the Upton Park reins.

Alan Curbishley, Martin Jol (sacked by Ajax over Christmas), Chris Coleman, Alfie Moon, and a venerable host of others were also asked if they would like to boss a doomed outfit heading for the Championship and beyond and all unequivocally said ‘not a fucking chance mate’.

An exasperated Gold even attempted to replicate Liverpool’s recent decision to reappoint a club legend and former manager. Alas his enquiry into Ron Greenwood’s availability revealed that the great man sadly passed away in 2006.

We phoned Gold at a porn shoot for one of his muck-mags and he gave us a quick interview. He admitted attempting to hire every name we mentioned and then, revealing the true depths of his desperation, the multi-millionaire smut-peddler asked if we, the Cutter, were available to take on the challenge.

After we politely declined his advances he said ‘What about any of your mates down the pub? Surely in this economic climate you know someone who’s short of readies?’

When we suggested Sam Allardyce he wept openly down the line.

Even so, Grant, who has the scary, yet oddly kindly, face of a Russian hit-man who has suddenly realised the immoral futility of his profession, must be thinking Green Street and The Green Mile are the same film at present as the firing squad in the boardroom reload.

Grant. He'd kill you....but feel bad about it afterwards.