Television's worst pundit with his hair of wheat
Pundit and Mavis Riley sound-a-like Mark Lawrenson has been hauled over the coals by his BBC employers for continually breaching their strict no-advertising laws.
Make-up artist Jan Young, who works on Match of the Day specifically to make Alan Hansen’s forehead scar look less scary to watching children, approached her senior bosses last week with the shocking revelation that for the past few years the opinionated ‘Lawro’ has been shaving his bonce and sticking two biscuits of Shredded Wheat onto it.
It is alleged that Nestle paid Lawrenson with box-loads of the Honey Nut variety of their whole grain cereal in return for him sporting their product every Saturday evening on primetime television.
Young initially kept quiet but decided to blow the whistle on the scam when the ex-Liverpool legend boasted of having a car boot full of damaged stock and outright refused to share even a bowlful with his colleagues.
‘I called him selfish’ she revealed exclusively to The Cutter, ‘And he went mental and accused me of keeping his precious moustache in a box and being obsessed with him. Such vanity would be delusional at the best of times, but especially so when it’s coming from a man sellotaping cereal biscuits onto his shaved noggin.’
Last night Bill Goodman, the Head of Sport for the channel, released a statement saying that Lawrenson has been reprimanded and strongly encouraged to grow his normal hair back. He will be demoted to the lesser-viewed Football League Show until it’s at least a grade 4.
We tracked down the bald man in question to an exclusive golf course in Southport where he was enjoying a leisurely round with his colleagues Hansen and Shearer. Whilst waiting for an interview we were unfortunate enough to overhear some of the most vacuous ‘banter’ ever committed to speech.
When confronted with the allegations Lawrenson strenuously denied all wrong-doing until we pointed out the tell-tale faint sellotape marks above one ear.
‘I don’t know why I’ve been singled out. Lineker has been smothering his face with Cuprinol for years now and no-one has said a word. He gets an absolute fortune from them too whereas I only received a few measly boxes. They even refused me free Cheerios and I fucking love them. At first they were quite accommodating but ultimately it was all just empty promises. They said I’d be the new face of Shredded Wheat once Botham stands down. But he never did and never will. They lied.’
Shaking his head sadly the man who knows less about football than an eleven year old Shoot reader then proceeded to hack his fairway shot into the bushes.
