A respected Professor of Linguistics from Jesus College in Oxford has claimed that United’s unbeaten run this season is making small children misunderstand the meaning of the word ‘invincible’.
Speaking to us from his fancy oak-lined office yesterday Dr William Baldwin said,
‘I’ve suspected this for some time actually, ever since their spectacularly unconvincing win over Wolves at the start of November, but it was confirmed to me last night by my six year old son. He was in the bathroom having, what can only be described as, a troublesome poo – I could hear him grunting and straining from the other room bless him – and he re-emerged in some state of distress. I asked him if he was okay and he replied ‘That was invincible daddy’, patently meaning that it was a real effort but that ultimately he triumphed. My worst fears were proven correct’.
Dr Baldwin is concerned that, should United indeed get through the entire season without experiencing defeat, the word may have to be changed in the Oxford English Dictionary.
‘Or at least a caveat should be added to that particular inclusion. Possibly along the lines of ‘Can also imply a surprising or undeserved victory, or series of victories, that generally baffles’’.
After the Cutter used that exact same publication to discover what ‘caveat’ means we proceeded with the interview.
‘The word ‘invincible’ is very straightforward. It is defined as ‘unconquerable; that cannot be defeated’. Now strictly speaking – by the letter of the law as it were – that would indeed describe United’s unbeaten run entirely appropriately. However, a word is not tethered exclusively to a literal meaning, it has a life of its own and develops the much wider ramification of interpretation. Look at that awful hound Jordan for example. She is regularly described as a ‘glamour model’. Well I don’t see any ‘glamour’ in that plastic monstrosity. Similarly the word ‘invincible’ is widely associated in our collective consciousness as referring to something powerful, almost superhero in its strength. I am sorry but I don’t see any flowing cape around Darren Fletcher’s neck. Do you? He’s an atrocious player. And a long sequence of flat, uninspired team displays can hardly be merited as being powerful’.
It was at this point that the Cutter detected a slight Scouse twang to the professor’s accent and spied a signed Steven Gerrard photograph above his fireplace, but he insisted that his gripe was wholly academic and not due to any club allegiance.
‘Let’s be honest here, United have been seriously under-par in most of their matches this season. If they somehow manage to negotiate their way through the whole year undefeated and are consequently labelled ‘the invincibles’ then the word will forever lose its true meaning. Or should I say its true interpretation. It will eventually become as meaningless a phrase as the one employed by that annoying side-kick of Chris Moyles – ‘Comedy’ Dave. I mean, has he ever made anybody laugh? Even accidentally?’