‘Big’ Sam Allardyce has finally broken his silence over his controversial sacking as Blackburn boss and divulged to us sensational evidence that his former employers axed him because they wanted to re-enact the plot from Trading Places.
In an exclusive interview Big Sam – whose head is so large you can actually see a tiny American flag fluttering away above one eyebrow – played us a recorded phone conversation with his successor Steve Kean during which the rookie manager admits to Allardyce that his surprise appointment was all down to a one pound wager between the Rao brothers, the Indian siblings who recently purchased the Premiership club.
When asked why Allardyce feels the need to record his phone calls the ex-Blackburn gaffer turned coy and replied enigmatically ‘A man has needs. Sir Alex calls regularly when he’s drunk and his voice is so gruff and lovely.’
The damning conversation lasts for over ten minutes but at least seven of those are Allardyce screaming out a variety of threats and insults to Kean before breaking down into a prolonged spell of sobbing. Although the threats are newsworthy – ‘I’m going to burn down your house then piss through the letterbox’ and ‘Don’t mess with Big Sam. I’ve sparked cows clean out with one flick of my knob’ being amongst the highlights – we’ve instead concentrated on the shocking revelations from Kean himself.
Below is the transcript in full of the few minutes of chit-chat that will shock British football and will surely prompt the Premier League into over-hauling their shoddy ‘means test’ for prospective new owners of clubs.
Allardyce: ‘……..and your mother will think she gave birth to that Rocky Dennis lad in Mask!’
Kean: ‘Sam, please stop saying these things. I called you for a reason.’
Allardyce: ‘Yeah, what’s that fucknuts? To gloat at Big Sam? Rumours of my demise have been greatly fucking exaggerated. Yes I ate some rubbish from the bin yesterday but that doesn’t make me mad. Makes me a man.’
Kean: ‘Sam, for the last time. Please be quiet and listen to me. You were sacked for a reason.’
Allardyce: ‘Aye I know. I told the tea-lady her face looked like a rotting fanny’.
Kean: ‘Well yes….her complaint has been upheld. But besides that I found something out earlier….and I want no part in it.’
‘I was in the toilets this morning….in the cubicle doing my business….when both Rao brothers came in. They thought the place was empty. The older one, Venkatesh congratulated Balaji and handed him a gleaming new one pound coin. Then they started talking about a bet they’d made. How one believed he could appoint a complete nobody and turn him into a decent Premiership manager. And conversely make a successful rich manager – you Sam – into a trash-scoffing wastrel.’
Allardyce: ‘Those pair of….’ (Reply edited out for family viewing)
Kean: ‘I always suspected something was amiss about my recruitment. Nobody knows this but before I came to Ewood Park I wasn’t on the staff at Chelsea….that was just something Balaji cajoled me into claiming at the press conference. I was a bum Sam. On the streets. A vagabond’.
‘One night last month a plush car pulled up outside the shop window where I was bedding down and two men in suits asked me if I wanted a hot meal. I was in no position to refuse. Afterwards they bought me a fancy tracksuit and began teaching me about football tactics. Around the same time they gave you the boot and offered the job to me.’
There is a moment of silence during which Kean asks Allardyce if he is still there.
Allardyce: ‘I am yeah. I’m just thinking that this scenario appears awfully familiar. Does this mean that I get to bang Jamie Lee Curtis?’
Before the chat draws to a close the pair agree to meet up soon and discuss plotting their revenge on the Rao brothers, who own Venkys Hatcheries, the huge chicken company.
The plan is believed to entail getting Blackburn purposely relegated, with Big Sam working secretly behind the scenes.
‘We’re already underway with the scheme’, he tells us now proudly. ‘On transfer deadline day we got together and did a couple of deals. It’s kill or be killed out there on Jan 31st. I prepped Steve beforehand about what we would face. Took the lines straight from Dan Aykroyd’s mouth as they enter the Stock Exchange. ‘Nothing you have ever experienced can prepare you for the unbridled carnage that you’re about to witness’. Then I adapted it a little to fit in with our plan. ‘Sell low, buy high’, I told him.’
‘We wanted to swap Chris Samba with Wigan’s Titus Bramble. But unfortunately that deal fell through. So we flogged El Hadji Diouf to Rangers for peanuts and brought in an unknown South American lad for top whack money. I’ve seen him on Youtube. He’s shite.’