£35 million snip Andy Carroll is set to release a fitness and lifestyle DVD following the surprise success of Ryan Giggs’ yoga workout.

The 22-year-old has teamed up with several fellow Geordies to bring you – according to the blurb on the back – ‘A comprehensive make-over to turn even the puffiest of men into real canny blokes like’.

The DVD is not yet available in the shops but the Cutter has gained an exclusive first peek and we anticipate plenty of controversy and a possible FA fine heading his way in the near-future.

Here are some of the highlights –

1/ Five minutes in there is a montage of Carroll’s street brawls all caught on CCTV. This is played to a soundtrack of PJ and Duncan’s opus Let’s Get Ready To Rumble.

2/ Next up is an arm workout, specifically to improve your triceps and to get the viewer eventually looking ‘all buff for when ya gaan oot aroon toon’. Carroll is shown in an otherwise deserted bar, wearing a very tight t-shirt, lifting and tilting countless pint glasses to his mouth.

At first he is friendly and instructive, demonstrating how each ‘raise and tilt’ slowly develops specific muscles in the upper arm and wrist.

Eventually however he stumbles off his stool and blames it on the cameraman who he decks in a flurry of punches.

3/ An entire section of the DVD is reserved for ‘burds’ and how to handle them.

Carroll talks mainly to camera but enlists the help of the esteemed thesp and crooner Jimmy Nail in the form of clips shown from his 1992 smash hit ‘Aint No Doubt’.

An array of fictional scenarios are played out by Carroll followed each time by Nail intoning sombrely ‘She’s lying’.

One example is,

Carroll: ‘Your missus says she’s having a drink with friends….’

Nail: ‘She’s lying’

After an angry diatribe that lasts for several minutes where the player describes women as ‘pointless munters’ and ‘snakes with tits’ Carroll then reveals the simple solution to all the preceding problems. He smacks a fist hard into the palm of his hand and cries out ‘Pow! Right in the kisser! Good night Vienna. Auf weiedersehen pet.’

'Are you looking at my DVD?'

Later he states helpfully, ‘If you’re feeling imaginative and want to flex your glutes I often find a roundhouse kick to the baby-maker does the job just as well. But remember boys, do your stretches first.’

4/ Wearing the same t-shirt from before Carroll is shown entering a refrigerated storage container where he remains content and apparently warm for many silent minutes.

5/ The future hero of the Kop is standing outside a barbers and it appears he is about to walk in when he suddenly stops and turns to the camera.

‘These places are the enemy. Real men have pony-tails. It is alleged that wor Alexander the Great had one. As does my all-time hero Steven Seagal. Best actor in the world by a mile. Baggio of course had a divine one. And also that Blair lad from Eldorado in the early-nineties. If you don’t have a ponytail or a mullet you’re a puff or a lesbian. And I’d happily batter either of you’

6/ Its time for a relaxation workout as Carroll is joined by north-east legend Gazza as they fish by a scenic lake. Gazza demonstrates how to repeatedly whip back the line, gathering slack, before casting it out until it plops gently into the water. In between chugging down a can of lager and eating chicken.

The DVD ends on a sad note as they drunkenly scrap for the carcass.