ITV are set to bring in infamous prostitute-disliker Peter Sutcliffe, better known as the Yorkshire Ripper, to sit alongside Adrian Chiles as their chief football pundit.
It’s a shock move designed to take some of the spotlight away from Sky’s imminent appointment of the rodent-faced hate-figure Gary Neville, who announced his retirement from top-class football yesterday evening in order to take up the microphone and irritate millions with his monotone United bias.
An explanation as to why both channels are employing such reviled creatures comes in the form of a recent study that comprehensively proves that loathsome figures on the box are watched for longer because the viewer is so shaken with fury they cannot properly work the remote to change over.
Sky have been crowing recently in media circles about their coup in luring the most detestable individual to ever ‘grace’ a football pitch into joining their studio team, to the considerable chagrin of rival networks who have to make do with mildly annoying sorts like Shearer and Southgate.
ITV’s appointment of Sutcliffe is certainly a controversial one – the man apparently knows very little about the game, although this didn’t stop Andy Townsend from droning out banalities for many years, and it is thought that many will tune in purely for the novelty of seeing a serial killer discussing FA Cup highlights whilst off his tits on bromide and brain medication.
An executive from the station, who wishes to remain anonymous, talked to the Cutter before we went to press.
‘Sky thought they’d snagged the most hated man in Britain. But we’ve gone one better. Did Neville butcher thirteen women? No, he’s just a law-abiding twat.’
Sutcliffe was approached in his cell early this week with the offer and, although surprised, he admitted to being flattered by the interest. Plus it was someone to talk to.
He immediately accepted and will make his TV debut in one of the forthcoming fifth round ties yet to be announced.
Obviously he will not be able to physically be there alongside Chiles. Instead they will place a television set on a chair next to the Toby-jug of warm piss host and film him live from his prison cell in Broadmoor.
The previous occupant on the chair, Andy Townsend, immediately resigned from punditry in protest at this shocking development. He adamantly claims it had nothing to do with being demoted to ITV4 to cover the darts.
In a strongly worded letter of resignation, that he made public, he wrote, ‘I find it abhorrent that this is where television is heading. To employ such a nasty piece of work purely in the interest of bumping up viewing figures is morally distasteful. Sky should be thoroughly ashamed of themselves. I do not agree with the recruitment of Peter either as it goes’.
Sutcliffe is believed to be an Evertonian because they were both successful in the eighties but have done little of note since. He was not available for comment last night as it was ‘lights out’ in his ward.