(Every Friday we raid the Cutter archives to bring you a story from football’s strange and wonderful past. This week we take you back to 16th July 1989, a week that began with the astonishing news that Celtic legend Mo Johnson was joining Rangers, becoming the first Catholic to wear the royal blue colours in their 116 year history)

Following Mo Johnson’s incendiary move back to Glasgow to become Rangers’ first ever Catholic player lowly Kilmarnock are now also jumping on the religious bandwagon by signing an unknown Buddhist midfielder from Tibet.

Acorn Riverbed was born in the U.S to hippy parents who relocated to the Himalayan mountains when he was a toddler, chiefly for the clean spiritual air and the meaty yak soup. A prestigiously gifted footballer Acorn soon attracted the interest of many Asian professional clubs. His parents however forbid him from leaving home until he passed his exams or reached enlightenment, whichever happened sooner.

After repeatedly failing at his studies and not getting even a whiff of nirvana he secretly contacted every British club by letter begging them to rescue him. Kilmarnock – seeking a headline-grabbing religious signing to rival the Gers – swooped.

Killie’s chairman Donald McGovern revealed to the Cutter that the coup was mainly designed to gain publicity for the small-time outfit.

‘Everyone has been wetting their knickers over Super Mo going to Ibrox. Well whoop-de-fucking-doo. One lot believes the Pope is God’s representative on earth, whilst the other claims he smokes dope. Johnson is still a Scot regardless of his families’ beliefs. We, however, have signed a right fruit and nut who wears monk robes and everything. Probably.’

When asked if anyone from Rugby Park has even seen Riverbed play yet McGovern replied curtly,

‘Who gives a steaming turd? You’re here talking to me now aren’t you, with one of those Dictaphone jobbies. You wouldn’t be here if we hadn’t flown the wee lad over. Young Conker is going to get me on the TV-AM couch, just you watch. Perving down Selina Scott’s blouse’.

We corrected him on the boy’s name before swiftly moving on. Will he be making his debut this weekend away at Motherwell, we asked.

‘Alas no. It seems that wearing studs goes against his beliefs because it would harm the grass which is considered a living entity. In his own words it would be like stabbing a cat a thousand times over. So in this weather he’d be sliding all over the show. We’ll have to perhaps wait for the spring when the turf is drier.’

‘In the meantime he can meditate on the bench or something’

'Thomas...it's up for grabs now'. Closet Gooner the Delai Lama watches the climax of the 89 English season.