A miniature WWII Japanese soldier yesterday emerged, dazed and scared, from Marouane Fellaini’s hair, still believing that the war was ongoing.
Hiroki Kobayashi, a Second Lieutenant in the Imperial Army, who stands at only one inch tall, has amazingly spent over sixty-five years surviving in the thick undergrowth of the Belgium midfielder’s follicles, sleeping mostly in the daytime, then scavenging under darkness for grubs and dandruff flakes on which to stay alive.
Fellaini was eating a bowl of chicken and pasta in the club canteen, immediately following training, when he became irritated by something moving around amongst his ridiculous fuzz-wig. He began scratching the area vigorously and to his immense shock, and to the awe of team-mates around him, a tiny old Japanese man wearing a faded khaki uniform, fell onto the dining table brandishing a sword.
‘I’ve no idea how he got in there,’ the puzzled player informed us last night. ‘He claims to have been rooting about on my scalp since 1945. But I’m only twenty-four.’
'Someone put me out! He's just let off a flare'
Mr Kobayashi was at Fazackerly Hospital’s baby unit on Merseyside this morning receiving treatment for bruises to his leg following the epic fall onto the table – said to be the equivalent of a normal-sized person plummeting over twenty storeys – but, through a translator, was able to pass on his incredible tale to the Cutter.
‘How can they say the fighting ended so long ago? The bombardments I experienced were relentless, almost twice a week. The Americans were regularly bombing the jungle trying to force us out and I eventually succumbed to severe shell-shock. It just never ceased’
The ‘bombardments’ are believed to be Everton’s route-one style of football as, during each match, they lump one long ball after another onto Fellaini’s over-sized barnet.
‘I feel so silly now, but each header felt like the world was ending. The tremors would send me flying into the air!’
The soldier’s story is already making headline news across the globe and a film is in the pipeline. Eccentric director David Lynch is said to be interested in helming it though Spielberg will probably swoop in and make it over-sentimental and shit.
It is compulsory in Hollywood to make Germans the bad guys so nationalities will be duly altered and the provisional title of the film is ‘Hair, Hitler, and Me’.
Meanwhile Mr Kobayashi continued regaling the Cutter, and a handful of nurses, of his prolonged ordeal. His voice was hoarse and weak from not having used it for so long.
‘After I became detached from my unit I initially hid – to surrender would be a dishonour to Emperor Hirohito himself! – but then I slowly realised that I had to fight or die. Yet, in all that time I never encountered another living soul. I must have explored every inch of that hot and sweaty Pacific hell-hole.’
‘After awhile your mind plays tricks on you. I began to suspect that the Americans were looking for me, and me alone. They began using psychological warfare too. Many a time the entire jungle was pungent with the heady aroma of sandalwood. I surmised the cruel bastards were gassing it in to remind me of home. To make me sad and want to give up. Now I’ve been told it was merely shampoo the big fella liked to use’.
When questioned about his tiny stature Mr Kobayashi fell quiet but Professor Alan Merrycoat, an expert of twentieth century warfare from Warwick University, cited a possible explanation.
‘During that time all kinds of crazy experiments took place. There were rumours knocking about in some quarters that the Japs were building a shrinking machine, creating a specialist crack troop of soldiers who were miniature in size and could easily break through enemy lines without detection to gain vital information. It seems that Mr Kobayashi is living proof that they were indeed successful in this pursuit.’
Once the frail 89-year-old veteran is treated for his injuries he will be offered counselling then allowed to return home. Possibly to a heroes welcome.
Professor Merrycoat meanwhile continued, ‘It’s incredible really. We all saw the Martin Short film Innerspace and considered it a marvellous futuristic piece of fiction. Yet those guys were doing it for real nearly half a century earlier! A clever race of people those Japs’, he concluded in a mildly racist manner.
Fellaini has vowed to stubbornly persist growing his freakish monstrosity that he calls a hairstyle.
