The Cutter has previously been quite scathing towards Luis Carlos Almeida De Cunha, more commonly known as Manchester United’s Nani.
We have called him ‘the most despicable human being on the planet’ and ‘the biggest cheat in sport today’.
These comments were made due to the player’s annoying habit of clutching his face with both hands and rolling around the turf, apparently in life-threatening agony, after receiving nothing more than an innocuous ankle-tap or shoulder-nudge.
We would now, however, like to offer a full retraction of such views and offer a fulsome and sincere apology towards the Portuguese wing wizard.
Last week, purely by chance, we encountered a Dr Philippe Sensuado, a much-respected physician who specialises in treating a rare and debilitating illness known as PDS, a strange affliction that relocates, and magnifies, any pain from the body to one isolated area.
We can exclusively reveal that Dr Sensuado has been secretly employed by United to care for Nani who, it appears, has suffered from this awful disease since childhood.
It also transpires that the Red Devils are considering suing Sporting Lisbon, Nani’s former club, for not disclosing this condition during his £17 million switch in 2007.
PDS affects the hypothalamus; a small cone-shaped structure located at the base of the brain, and would not show up during a routine medical. It is unlikely however that Lisbon would have been unaware of its existence in their young star.
Dr Sensuado explains, ‘I received a rather mysterious phone call a couple of years back from someone claiming to be a concerned member of the medical staff at Manchester United football club. At that stage it was all very hush-hush. I was asked for my credentials and my general advice was sought. Later I was invited up to the Carrington training ground to inspect videos of this player and to examine him personally. The videos themselves were conclusive – I am not a fan of football but even I know it’s just not normal to react in such a exaggerated manner to the slightest of contact – and then a simple ten minute consultation with Nani himself confirmed that he did indeed suffer from PDS.’
‘PDS stands for Pain Displacement Syndrome and affects roughly one in every ten thousand individuals. It is thankfully a very rare disease but terrible none-the-less. In Nani’s case it affects his facial area, so the slightest contact with any part of his body will result in agonising trauma being relocated to the nose, forehead and cheeks. But this varies from patient to patient. I’ve known of one sufferer from the Netherlands whose genitals were the responsive region. He fitted his entire home with soft-padding and never went out.’
If you would like to donate any money to aid research into this condition we’re sure there is a charity somewhere where you can send your pennies.
In the meantime however the Cutter would like to extend our genuine sympathies to the player and wish him all the very best for the future.
‘He’s such a brave individual participating in a contact sport’, Dr Sensuado added, shaking his head in admiration. ‘I’ve heard there used to be a player called Gary Mabbutt with diabetes but that’s chickenfeed compared to PDS. Every time someone touches Nani the accumulative effects equate to a sledgehammer being pounded into his mush.’