It was a quiet Thursday evening for our roving pap about town Selvester. After visiting various Manchester brothels trying to locate Rooney he was told that the simian granny-shagger was away on international duty in Denmark. So after visiting a couple more he drove down the M62 to Liverpool to take some arty shots of street poverty and social degradation for a serious project he is currently working on.

There he stumbled upon one of the strangest news stories of the year so far.

Witnessing Liverpool defender Jamie Carragher exit a trendy bar he duly papped a couple of frames off merely out of habit. On returning to his van however and viewing the resulting shots he was amazed to discover a tiny head barely visible from beneath Carragher’s awful jacket.

Closer inspection revealed that the head in question was that of Fernando Torres.

Aware of what this revelation was worth our trusty pap briefly considered reneging on his lucrative contract with the Cutter by contacting the major tabloids. He is however also aware that we possess photographs of our own. Locked in a vault. And only we know the combination.

We approached ‘Carra la’ yesterday as he left training and showed him the snaps.

Through an interpreter, who looked strangely like the Geoffrey Rush character in The King’s Speech and accompanies him wherever he goes, the square-headed Scouse pensioner admitted to housing Torres in the rear pocket of his jeans for the past six days.

‘He’s been there since last Sunday like. I can’t get shut of him and now he’s claiming squatter’s rights’.

‘I’ve tried everything. Squirting the little spic traitor with Fabreze. Putting my kecks on a cycle wash. He just won’t budge. Keeps saying ‘Don’t make me go back there Carra senor. They expect too much. My hamstrings are weary and John Terry eyes my beautiful wife. It is warm and safe in here’. I actually feel a bit sorry for him y’know, despite what he did to us’.

An enquiry by us to the local housing authority revealed that Torres does indeed have certain rights and it would take a legal complaint followed by weeks of waiting until the police could intervene.

Carragher seemed non-plussed to hear this.

‘I’m not having the bizzies root around back there. Besides, he’s no bother really. Apart from when he cooks.’