Michel Platini has defended UEFA’s decision to set the cheapest ticket for this season’s Champion’s League Final at a mind-boggling £176 by saying they are trying to price out the families of John Terry and Wayne Rooney.
UEFA has come under a barrage of attack this week for their astonishing greed and further making the so-called ‘working man’s game’ totally inaccessible to the working man.
Tickets for the match, which will be staged at Wembley stadium, will be more than double what it was for the all-British 2008 showcase final in Moscow and three times the amount it will cost for the minimum entrance fee for next years Olympic Games.
But Platini claims it is precisely because of the goalless drab-fest three years ago between Chelsea and United that they have bumped up the cost.
‘What we witnessed that day….we have a word in France called chrismoyles, meaning barely human. It was staggering’.
He is referring to the behaviour of both the Terry and Rooney clan who travelled out in force to see their talented progeny play out a bore draw that was finally decided on pens. Terry himself missed the critical spot-kick and cried in the rain like a big girl.
The Cockney bawler’s parents somehow managed to secure a VIP box, courtesy of their son’s boot manufacturer, and proceeded to run riot throughout the evening.
Father Ted – not the Irish priest but Ted Terry, the player’s dad – is a convicted cocaine dealer and spent the entire first half approaching dignitaries and special guests of companies such as Sony and Mastercard, tapping his nose and claiming he could ‘sort them out’ with a ‘cold remedy’. Terry’s mother meanwhile, a convicted shoplifter, who has been prosecuted in the past for stealing, amongst other items, flip-flops and pet food, unnerved the UEFA delegate assigned to making sure the player’s families were well taken care of, by eyeing up every fixture and fitting in the room.
At one stage she even – allegedly – spoke out loud ‘Ere, that would look ‘aaandsome in our lounge so it would’.
John’s elder brother, fellow professional Paul, who recently made the news for sleeping with a team-mate’s wife in exactly the same scumbag fashion as his more famous sibling, barely watched the game and instead hung from the balcony making ‘call me’ signs to any wags in the vicinity.
As for the Rooney tribe theirs is a slightly more pathetic tale of gorging themselves on the free grub made available, to such an extent that Platini himself had to intervene because ‘we were running out of crab-cakes’.
‘Their appetites were tres bien,’ he smiles diplomatically, then leans forward to the Cutter’s ear and whispers in awe, ‘I saw his mother wolf down a whole salmon. In one go! She dangled it above her mouth, lowered it slowly, then voila!…all gone. After a long, satisfied burp she returned to the feasting’.
There is no guarantee of course that either club will reach this years climax to the footballing calendar, especially considering the Londoner’s current form and United having to play a decent side at some point.
But Platini is taking no chances nonetheless and personally priced the tickets accordingly.
‘I should be impartial in my role as UEFA President but I have to admit to secretly wanting Arsenal to get there. I have heard that Nicklas Bendtner is dating Danish royalty. Ahh now that is who we want to see at football matches’.
‘Plus the grubby paupers of course’ he quickly added.