Are you the type of person who drives past accident black-spots looking for free flowers because you’ve forgotten your anniversary again and everywhere is shut?

Do you reply to the dreaded question ‘Am I putting on weight?’ with ‘A bit, babe….but I like my women cuddly’?

Do you regard flicking through the channels and loudly sighing as foreplay?

Would you rather fashion a tiny dress for Call of Duty and take that to the restaurant instead?

Okay, forget the last one because that applies to most of us.

As for the rest… need help pal. And who better to offer romantic pearls of wisdom than those respected oracles of love…..footballers.

We contacted a few – purely at random – and asked them for any tips to assist the clueless and the imminently dumped.

Ashley Cole – ‘Embrace technology. Why not send her a saucy snap of your genitals?

Also women love confidence. Be sick in her car then tell her she should be ‘privileged’ to have your chunder-chunks all over her upholstery’.

Wayne Bridge – ‘I find sympathy usually works. Especially on Saturdays’.

Mickey Thomas – ‘When you’re in a car, taters deep in your mate’s missus, always make sure she’s on top. That way you can see the screwdriver coming’.

John Terry – ‘I get by with a little help from my friends. Failing that Maccies at midnight is an invaluable source for scrubbers. That do you? I was in the middle of Googling Nando’s tart’.

Andy Carroll – ‘Don’t just clout the useless bint. If you really love her you’d bruise her feelings too. You can’t just go to toon on her every night. Take the time to find out her insecurities’.

Wayne Rooney – ‘It’s the little things really. Woo her with Werthers. Buy her People’s Friend. Watch Alan Titchmarsh whilst cutting up her meat. It all adds up’.

David Pleat – ‘People drive so fast these days! Slow down and take in the view.’

Pele – ‘Be firm with her. Or at least be firm’.

Stan Collymore – ‘There’s a lay-by just off the Cannock Chase by-pass that’s crawling with fanny. You can leave their faces like painters radios then wander up for a bacon sarnie at the roadside caff. Bostin!’

'That's not pigeon poo on my windscreen'

Sven-Goran Eriksson – ‘Always fold your clothes very neatly beside the bed and take off your spectacles. This drives them wild with crazy lust yes’.

John O’Shea – ‘This isn’t really my area of expertise I’m afraid. They have bits where they shouldn’t and nothing where they should. Strange creatures’.