Now that the dust has settled on the prolonged scrap between the Hammers and Spurs to get their greasy cockney mitts on the Olympic Stadium (once the Russian bloke has won the women’s shot-put and an angry-looking guy off his face on needle drugs triumphs in the 100 metres) we can exclusively reveal the tactics employed by the eventual victors.
David Sullivan, co-chairman of West Ham and renowned porn munchin, detailed the club’s winning strategy to us at a photoshoot for one of his muck-mags.
‘We knew Spurs were the favourites because they’re far more successful and brash’ he told us as Stacey from Romford wiggled past us wearing nothing but high heels and her brittle, small-time dreams.
‘They also had loveable ‘Arry Redders charming the committee with his chirpy patter whereas we had Avram glaring away as if sizing them up for coffins. We were basically screwed. So we decided to use our weaknesses as a positive. We pitched our bid squarely as the underdog. They love all that cock and bull don’t they. All that ‘Its not the winning but the taking part’ bollocks. When the time came for our presentation we simply put up a video, a compilation package of famous Olympian ‘plucky’ failures like Eddie the Eagle and Eric the Eel. All to the soundtrack of Beck’s Loser. Then we showed a bit of Derek Redmond limping around the track with his dad to pull at the heart-strings. Bish bang wallop, they loved it!’
‘We also sneakily photoshopped a pic of dope-cheat Dwayne Chambers in a Spurs top and had that flash up subliminallally….subliminy…..y’know, every now and then just for a fraction of a second. Plus we bribed Fearne Cotton to state on camera that she supported them, to seal the deal. A bit random I know but she could make the Delai Lama want to chainsaw her tits off that one’
‘When the DVD finished Karen Brady stood up and began talking about grass-roots football. Again they love all that horse manure. She told them that West Ham had a piss-poor side, totally inept management and a board made up of fame-obsessed chancers, and that, by the time 2012 rolled around, we’d be in struggling in Division One. When the time came for her to estimate our average attendances – I believe she went for just under four thousand – they were in the palms of our brass bands. You could hear ‘em all chattering away about ‘keeping it real’ and ‘a gritty symbol for a tough economic age’. Bunch of doughnuts.’
The Cutter has been privy to the Hammers’ plans to adapt the huge 80,000 capacity stadium to fit into their imminent down-sizing.
The running track will remain in place but will be chiefly used by dog-walkers out on their afternoon stroll. An entire stand meanwhile will be closed off and used instead as a huge plastic ‘adventure jungle’ crèche for a nearby community centre.
Each supporter will be allocated a ticket as far away from their mate as possible in order to encourage the shouting of half-time pie orders thereby creating a semblance of an atmosphere in the ground.
Weeds will be planted sporadically around the cavernous dustbowl to encourage wildlife back to the area.
An artists impression of the Olympic Stadium in 2013
Back in the grotty photo studio Stacey has finished pouting her cheap lipstick towards the lens in a manner that intimates oral sex and has joined us as we peruse the blueprints.
‘Cor that’s big innit! Is it a spaceship? David, will I really get on Babestation if I go home with you later?’
‘Of course my dear’, Sullivan replies, a glint of pervy sweat forming on his brow.
