Manchester City supporters were last night praying that their shamed centre-back Kolo Toure – who has tested positive for a specified substance – wasn’t ‘shady’ with his stash and ‘shared the wealth’ with his comically inadequate team-mate Jo.
The Ivorian is believed to have taken a dietary supplement belonging to his wife. He faces a ban of up to two years from English football after testing positive for an illegal substance contained within those supplements following a routine A Test conducted by the FA. It is not thought however that such a lengthy punishment awaits him.
This has not deterred Blues though from clinging to the vain hope that their useless striker Jo’s bean-pole frame and slight of build suggests that, not only has he also taken such dietary powder, but that, as one fan told us, ‘he’s hammered it large’.
Being caught taking such prohibited substances in a huge quantity would obviously result in a much stricter banishment, possibly for life.
Jo holds the unwanted distinction of being the only Brazilian professional footballer in the history of the game who is pathologically unable to control a football and has attained cult – some might say ironic – status at the club for his bumbling ‘Bambi on ice’ playing style. He has also been clinically diagnosed by club doctors as being allergic to goals and general competence.
Our City source reveals, ‘Kolo and Jo are quite close. We often saw them chatting and laughing together on the training ground. Our hope is that one recommended these mysterious pills to the other. If that is indeed the case then judging by his scrawny physique Jo has obviously been unable to read the English instructions and has walloped back far more than the recommended dosage.’
He added, ‘We shall be tipping off the FA before this weekends Wigan game and see what comes from that. This has fallen into our lap to be honest. We were getting so exasperated by his awful performances that some here wanted to spike his half-time energy drink with meow-meow and call in the law.’
In other related news unemployed actor Lee McDonald, who played the role of heroin addict Zammo in BBC drama Grange Hill during the 1980s, has declared his sadness at last night’s developments.
The told the Cutter exclusively, ‘I’m aware that the lad grew up in Africa so probably isn’t aware of my benchmark portrayal of what horrors and misery arise from perpetual drug use. But the campaign went all the way to the White House – I met Nancy Reagan for God’s sake! – and clips are easily available on YouTube. So there’s no excuse really. Remember kids – and footballers – just say no.’
He then went on to make a boastful, and totally unsubstantiated, claim to have ‘banged the fit one with long dark hair’ during his time on the show.
Artwork courtesy of I’m Still Here