Sir Alex Ferguson has lodged an official complaint to the F.A for forcing his previously-imposing Manchester United team take on ‘good sides’, thereby exposing them as being average at best.
In an extraordinary broadside to the game’s governing body, that reads like the paranoid ramblings of a crazy person, he accuses them of doing all that they can to ‘prevent us from achieving our rightful destiny’. He also alludes to an ‘anti-United witch-hunt’ within the corridors of power and asks why eternal whipping-boys Wigan weren’t available again to easily trounce rather than be taken apart in quick succession by Chelsea and Liverpool.
The Cutter has gained exclusive access to the first draft of Ferguson’s astonishing rant, handwritten in angry biro if such a thing were possible, that fell from the back-pocket of club errand boy Michael Phelan as he maniacally rushed around Anfield looking for a post-box.
Following United’s second defeat in a row Ferguson, a knight of the British realm, petulantly imposed a total media blackout from every employee at the club. Even our usual insider source was keeping schtum for fear that Fergie would ‘get Gary Neville to stare at me for weeks on end without saying a word. I’ve seen it happen before and it made the poor fella go completely Charlie Sheen.’
Therefore this scrap of paper was potentially the only insight into the furious pensioner’s true feelings at this time.
Alas, the stench of whiskey that emanated from the paper was so intoxicating the Cutter also drunkenly misplaced it shortly afterwards.
However, from memory, we can reveal that the gum-chewing Scot is convinced that the FA were so concerned with United’s prior dominance of the Premier League that they tampered with the fixture list and lined up two very decent sides for them to encounter back-to-back to make the final run-in more competitive. One particularly illuminating passage jumped out at us –
‘You know how this works…..we get to play Blackburn or Sunderland, they field weakened sides and don’t dare attack us throughout the game, we look brilliant and all-conquering, then I get my gimp Phelan to patronise them for creating two half-chances in the first twenty minutes before our ‘class shown’. Everyone goes home happy and wealthier. Us, you lot, Sky, the media. Why ruin a perfect arrangement? What the hell are you thinking putting us up against Chelsea and the scousers?! They’re good!’
Another scribbled extract read – ‘There were real tackles flying in today and that’s not what we signed up for. Poor Nani is beside me right now in tears. He tried to feign injury then realised he’d actually been challenged for real and that it genuinely hurt. I hope you’re proud of yourselves for that ya suited bastards.’
This is followed by a reminder to ‘buy bread and milk’.