As missiles rained down upon Libya’s air defences last night its crack-pot leader Colonel Muammar Gadaffi was sensationally unmasked hiding thousands of miles away right here in the UK.

After flying in illegally to Heathrow on a private plane with the double bluff tactic of believing that London will be the last place that people will actually look for him Gaddafi decided to shun the opportunity to hole up in some swanky residence belonging to any number of evil friends he has across the capital and instead – in typically eccentric fashion – take the identity, and assume the persona of, Chelsea striker Fernando Torres.

Gadaffi before his transformation

Eagle-eyed Blues fan – and avid Hetty Wainthropp enthusiast – Samuel Kidd first became suspicious of developments at the Bridge way back in February but decided to keep his outlandish theory to himself for fear of being labelled insane.

‘I first thought something was seriously amiss when I witnessed him repeatedly being outpaced by the slowest players out there.’ Mr Kidd revealed exclusively to the Cutter.

‘This evidently wasn’t El Nino, the lightning-quick lethal genius whom I’d begrudgingly admired for several seasons whilst he was firing them in from all angles with Liverpool. Generally he looked clueless and his touch was woeful’.

‘My suspicions were then aroused further when I heard a recent interview he gave on the radio. He claimed not to be too concerned about his goal drought as long as he was contributing to the team and creating chances for others. He then finished by wishing death on all imperialistic Western scum-dogs. Which I thought was a bit odd’

Following Sunday’s latest abject showing by his club’s 50 million pound purchase however Mr Kidd contacted a Chelsea official who promised to take up the lead.

An impromptu investigation followed, involving a routine questioning of the forlorn blank-firer in the dressing room. All of the players were present and a very exasperated and confused manager. After detecting the faint trace of a Middle-eastern accent in the player’s responses Carlo Ancelotti eventually interjected and – having seen many episodes of Scooby Doo so knowing exactly how all this worked – swiftly pulled away the fake prosthetic skin away at the neck incredibly revealing that the goal-shy Spaniard was indeed the Libyan dictator in disguise.

'I miss proper couscous. And my shades.'

The Cutter utilized our MI5 mole to extract further details. After we exchanged our usual coded greeting involving geese flying in Moscow at this time of year he divulged to us the whole incredible story.

‘Our supposedly reliable intelligence told us that Gadaffi was located at a secret compound somewhere near to Tripoli, where he was busy orchestrating his troop’s counter-attacks against our invasion….I mean, strategic air strikes. It turns out that he was instead orchestrating counter-attacks of a different kind entirely. Not very successfully as it goes, as anyone who has seen him play recently will testify.’

‘He was discreetly taken from the ground and is now in the care of ourselves and the armed forces who will torture him remorselessly for military information we already know because we’ve worked so closely with Muammar for many years. However, because of those leftie do-gooders we can no longer water-board the despot so plan instead to use humiliation methods such as forcing him to watch replays of his abysmal attempts to impersonate a footballer. In a way that’s probably far crueller than dunking him in a vat of freezing cold water.’

‘The prosthetics he used were extremely convincing and moulded from the actual face of Torres himself who is believed to be held captive against his will at a thus far undetermined location. He is however supposed to be safe and well’.

Our mole added, ‘Who knows why he attempted this bizarre ruse. His son played professionally for Perugia a few years back so maybe he was trying to show that his old fella could knock a ball about too. He would have gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that Sam Kidd’.

Mr Kidd has been praised by the club for his investigative prowess and has received two free tickets for their next home match in gratitude.

Now the search for the real Fernando Torres begins and early this morning Chelsea’s team doctor released a statement pleading with his captors for his imminent safe return. He also included a warning that the slightest knock in transit, or if he is held anywhere below room temperature, carries the very real risk of the player’s suspect hamstrings snapping like stale Twiglets.