The Government were last night rueing their decision to appoint Newcastle United chairman Mike Ashley as a special budget advisor after he demanded that all tax on fags and beer was abolished whilst imposing a brand new restrictive levy on common sense.

The Conservatives initially approached the universally-disliked Geordie guzzler after realising that their Chancellor of the Exchequer was such an other-worldly toff that he had no actual concept of money. They decided a successful businessman who retained ‘the common touch’ would be a useful sounding board for the hapless George Osborne who spent his time in the lead up to yesterday’s Budget borrowing cash from his servants in a doomed bid to learn each denomination.

Unfortunately their choice of Ashley was an unwise one as the beer-bellied multi-millionaire chav leapt at the opportunity to try and make Brown Ale available on the NHS and Benson and Hedges tabs free to all school-children.

'If they tax Krispy Kremes I'm marching on Parliament'

Thankfully they dispensed with his services after just the one solitary meeting but the encounter was so disastrous it is said to have mentally scarred Osborne who confided to his scullery maid ‘He scared me senseless. Is this what all oiks are like?’

Allegedly Ashley turned violent after discovering the need to pay for public services.

‘You’ve got all this lovely lolly coming in. Why send it back out there?’ he screamed at a bemused civil servant. ‘It’s madness. Do you think I got where I am today by reinvesting profits?!’

Ashley was last night unavailable for comment. Or more accurately, he burped down the phone at us.