That swoonsome scientist off the telly, Professor Brian Cox, has declared tonight’s England friendly against Ghana as ‘the most pointless thing in the universe’.
Speaking at a press junket to promote the imminent release of yet more merchandise with his lovely, lovely face on it Cox was asked by a nerdy gentleman if everything in the universe does indeed serve a purpose, and that its true to say that we are all linked by a convoluted chain of energy and particles.
Staring out at us all with his sleepy hazel eyes that made the Cutter, and many others, melt a little inside the D:Reamy man eventually replied in his soft whispery voice.
‘There is a collection of dark matter that lies just beyond Jupiter that simply lurks there like a floating astrological turd. Yet even that is quite pleasant to look at through a telescope’.
Silence filled the room followed by the gentle snores of several journalists in the audience.
A panicking Cox quickly realised his mistake and repeated his opening statement whilst this time loudly playing a Sigur Ros CD to accompany his words. The soaring, uplifting Scandinavian music soon had us all utterly spell-bound, as if everything he was saying was somehow spiritual, deep and meaningful.
Cox continued, ‘There are many aspects within our solar system that could, at first glance, be considered pointless. Vegetarian bacon; spiking a stranger’s drink with Ecstasy instead of Rohypnol; belly-button fluff; and Chris Moyles’ radio companion ‘Comedy’ Dave to name but a few. Yet all exist in a wonderful melting pot that we call ‘life’’
‘Even the spleen, which serves no determinable function at all, at least is the best sounding of all the human organs.’
‘But I have to say that this week’s England friendly against Ghana, squeezed in between a qualifying game and the start of an extremely busy backlog of league fixtures and Champion’s League matches, when most of our player’s have returned to their clubs, is possibly the only truly pointless exercise found within the whole milky way’.
The Professor does put forward a salient argument.
With the likes of Ashley Cole, Frank Lampard, John Terry, Wayne Rooney and Michael Dawson all returning to their respective clubs to prepare for forthcoming domestic encounters coach Fabio Capello has been forced to draft in a handful of debutants from the Championship for the meaningless clash whilst resurrecting the England careers of Kieran Dyer and Michael Ricketts.