The football media were beside themselves with false joy last night after a single victory over lowly Blackpool supposedly catapulted Chelsea back into contention for the league title.
Even though, deep down, all concerned know the race is solely between United and Arsenal nobody in the press were willing to let the small matter of facts and point totals ruin the return to prominence of the West London club, lead by a quartet of thoroughly despicable human beings in Drogba, Lampard, Terry and Cole.
‘It’s wonderful’, our hack source informed us, ‘Its like having four Nick Cottons all return to Eastenders simultaneously. Everybody hates those four yet we can once again write about them in glowing, sycophantic terms. The cherry on the cake is Terry scoring because we can now dredge up all the old guff and nonsense about him being a Captain Fantastic figure; an inspirational leader on the pitch but a gentleman, and loyal family man, off it. Cole meanwhile can revert back to being the best left-back in the world – the poor lad deserves that after the awful treatment he received from that Geordie woman – whilst Drogba can once more be regarded as the uber-striker’.
‘As for Frank, well the paps will be out in force tomorrow trying to get a lovely cuddle-shot of him and his missus with all the teeth. We’re back in business. I mean, Chelsea are back in business.’
When the Cutter pointed out the considerable points deficit that still remained between ‘the Manchester United of the south’ and the actual real United, plus how Man City and Spurs are in just as good a shape as Chelsea in the league, have been for some time, and yet aren’t considered title challengers, our source put fingers in his ears and loudly blurted out the ‘Ten men went to mow’ chant to drown us out.
When he was sure we had finished talking he went on the defensive in a rather pathetic manner we had not previously witnessed before in a hardened tabloid hack.
‘Don’t take this away from us. We need this. Everything makes sense again now. Man U, Arsenal, and Chelsea. That’s all we know and all we want to know.’