A significant portion of the British public were last night under the completely wrong impression that grotesque news-hound Andrew Marr has been enjoying secret sex trysts with the stunning Welsh charisma-vacuum Imogen Thomas.

Following revelations this week that Marr had successfully secured a super-injunction, but then sensationally decided to lift it himself and admit to having an affair, some people thought back to recent stories concerning Miss Thomas, put two and two together, and came up with a sick and twisted five.

For the record they are two completely different tales of sweat and infidelity. Marr, whose features are so sharp you can open tinned goods on any part of his face, was boffing a fellow politico, whilst Thomas was turned inside-out by a Premier League footballer whose identity is still unknown to every single person in the UK.

Marr’s injunction was imposed by the High Court after it was deemed to be in the public interest. Apparently the mere thought of the jug-eared gargoyle probing away, his receding hair flailing about with every thrust, was considering far too unpalatable for even the strongest stomachs.

The unfortunate mix-up however does shine a further damning light upon the whole ridiculous nature of these gagging orders. Where there used to be truth, now there is furtive speculation, which can often be just as damaging.

Another worrying aspect is the competitive spirit amongst the famous who are renowned for always wanting to get the latest and best things around, and then improve upon them in order to show off.

The most recent celebrity to seek protection from the courts, and enforce privacy around his wrongful actions, is believed to be a former host of a popular darts-based quiz show, who was so concerned about the press exposing his sordid shenanigans that he successfully secured a Super-Smashing-Great-Injunction.

It begs the question…where will this all end?

Meanwhile, in other entirely unrelated news Manchester United comfortably saw off Schalke in their first-leg semi-final encounter last Tuesday evening. Ryan Giggs scored whilst playing away from home.

We mention this purely to include some football in an otherwise non-sporting news story.