The new women’s Super League kicked off last night with a prestigious tie between Arsenal and Chelsea. Or, at least, that was the plan.

As the scheduled kick-off time came and went forty spectators – and one puzzled looking stray dog – were left bracing themselves against the chilled wind at Tooting and Mitcham’s glamorous ground staring out onto an empty pitch that was totally bereft of players.

The Cutter understands that someone in the Arsenal changing room had spotted a tabloid photograph of Kate Middleton’s engagement ring and soon the entire team were simpering over it.

The accompanying story reported that some work was required to the ring – previously worn by the ‘People’s Princess’ Dido – in order for it to comfortably fit the digit of the bride-to-be Middleton, who has the strangely alluring appearance of a teenage milf.

The Arsenal Ladies were creating such a racket of squealing and clucking that soon the away team began wandering across to see what all the fuss was about.

Arsenal’s reserve striker, the aptly named Karen Wedlock, takes up the story,

‘The Chelsea girls came over and soon we were all having a right good goss. Some of us thought that Kate was looking a bit pale and tired and when I suggested she’s over-doing the diet a voice suddenly piped up that she’ll be getting a proper good portion of red meat on her wedding night. Well, as you can imagine, that caused mass hysterics! That was Stacey. She’s a right nutter. Anyway, our captain Claire then chooses that moment to tell everyone that she herself is getting engaged. The tears and hugs lasted a good twenty minutes before somebody remembered that we had a game of soccerball to play’.

The match eventually got underway and, hilarious goalkeeping aside, turned out to be a decent, closely-fought contest.

Due to the shared goss-fest beforehand it was played in the right spirit and was only soured by one minor incident during the second half.

One of the Chelsea midfielders – who was a pre-match doubt due to suffering from severe period pains – fell to the ground in apparent agony following an innocuous challenge. But the ref waved play on and said she was ovary acting.