The adoptive father of Liverpool defender Jamie Carragher was last night in police custody ‘for his own safety’ after brandishing a placard outside Craven Cottage warning that the world is nigh and loudly proclaiming his offspring to be the son of Beelzebub.
We managed to secure a brief interview with a clearly agitated Donald Carragher, the American ambassador to the UK no less, before he was gently shepherded away to the cells.
‘I’ve always suspected something was very wrong,’ he told us, his voice noticeably quivering with fear as the River Thames calmly ebbed and flowed behind us. ‘But you just don’t want to believe it do you? That the person you’ve raised since he was only a few days old, that you’ve changed diapers for…I mean nappies…and picked up from school every day come rain or shine, might be the work of Satan himself. But when I found out about this evening’s game – that it was Jamie’s 666th appearance – it was all the confirmation I needed. Trust me sir, something terrible will occur tonight.’
Something terrible did indeed occur later on…..for Fulham, who were trounced comprehensively 5-2 by a rampant Liverpool side revitalised under Kenny Dalglish.
That was not however what Mr Carragher had in mind. The rather dapper gentleman, wearing a long mackintosh coat, and with the distinguished looks of a classic film star, continued to regale us with his lunacy.
‘Jamie has never been injured nor was he ever sick as a child. Not even a common cold. That should have been our first clue. Then, when he learnt to talk – at an unusually early age I might add – we were horrified to discover that he was speaking in tongues. Only later did we realise it was simply his indecipherable scouse accent coming through.’
‘Some time later his first nanny, shortly before her untimely demise, claimed to encounter a growling rottweiller standing guard over young Jamie’s play-pen. Well, we’re from overseas and at that point only knew the basics about this wonderful city. I was aware that such dogs were extremely common-place having seen hundreds of them barking from atop flat-roofed drinking establishments around the area so thought little of it.’
‘Looking back now, oh I’ve been so blind and stupid. We once tried to take him to church for Sunday service as a young boy. He reacted very badly and began stamping on the congregation’s legs as they entered. Studs showing.’
The number that symbolises evil is also the funniest three digits to hear from someone with a lisp. Coincidence?
‘Then began the really weird occurrences. But I was still in denial at this point and refused to act. I was approached one day by a news reporter from the Liverpool Echo who told me point-blank that Jamie was the dark lord’s progeny. He was killed shortly afterwards in a freak accident when a truck carrying a large sheet of glass rumbled down a short hill and….oh God it was awful. It decapitated the poor bugger. Again I wasn’t too concerned – aside from feeling very sad of course – because I knew that quite often things come off the back of lorries in Merseyside’.
‘A local priest, Father Troughton, once also shared his suspicions with me before dying right in front of my eyes. We were standing outside the church and some young scallies were robbing the copper from the roof. Alas a sheet of heavy copper was dropped accidentally and fell right through his skull. Before the impact though he simply told me this….’Beware the Fulham match. He will rise up and call upon his minions.’
‘I had no clue as to what he was referring to. Until this very evening.’
We asked Mr Carragher if he had ever confronted his son with his concerns.
‘It was always so hard to muster up the courage because he shouts and points a lot. But yes, I did finally confront him with my findings. I asked him directly if he had the mark of the beast upon his person but unfortunately he misunderstood and assumed I was referring to Brian Jensen, the Burnley goalkeeper. Indeed Jamie rolled up his trouser leg and showed me a faint scar from a collision during a cup tie back in 2008.’
By now several Liverpool supporters were crowding around us annoyed at the accusations this impeccably dressed stranger was aiming at their long-serving beloved centre-back. One fan called over a nearby constable which ultimately led to Mr Carragher’s detainment.
It is not yet known if the Liverpool defender himself has been informed of the incident. If his father’s wild claims are true it is assumed he would already be aware of them without being told.
At the time of going to press however Jamie had not yet called upon any minions and was last night back at his home in Southport believed to be drinking a cup of tea.
