The crack team of US Navy Seals who were given the task of clearing up Osama Bin Laden’s compound in Abbottabad following his assassination were initially bemused to discover a pair of mud-splattered Adidas football boots, hidden away in a cupboard.
Bemusement turned to outright perplexion when an illegible signature was spotted printed on the heel of each boot beneath the initials THFC.
An expert in European sports was drafted in and flown to the site where upon he was handed the ‘goal-kicker’s sneakers’ (as the ignorant soldiers coined them) for further investigation.
The Cutter can now exclusively reveal that the footwear in question once belonged to diminutive Spurs striker, and inveterate reality TV star shagger, Jermaine Defoe.
It is believed that the boots were stolen from the changing rooms at White Lane Lane some time in August at the direct behest of well-known Arsenal supporter Bin Laden.
Unlike many other players, who change their boots regularly, the superstitious Defoe uses the same pair until they fall apart, believing as he does that within the leather and stitching lies the source to his magical goal-poaching prowess. Evidently the wily Bin Laden, himself a successful sportsman with being the International Hide and Seek Champion for ten years running, knew this and devised his dastardly plan.
With the boots missing a distraught Defoe has only managed the find the net a measly three occasions this season and his form has plummeted.
'Damn you, work magic pumps!'
A close friend of the player revealed, ‘J was beside himself when he discovered his lucky boots were gone. He even stopped dating z-list tarts for a while. I’ve never seen him so low and considering he’s only 3ft 6 that’s some testament to his misery.’
When informed about the retrieval of his beloved pumps the striker is believed to have muttered, ‘That bastard. First 9/11, and now this.’
Also found amongst the artefacts and belongings in Bin Laden’s otherwise sparse dwelling was a Match annual from last year that contains a picture of Manuel Almunia. He has his eyes scratched out with the word ‘Infidel’ angrily scrawled in crayon beneath.
