According to a recent survey there are currently 208 men in the UK named James Bond.
Possessing such a moniker can be considered both a blessing and a curse. If a guy is confident enough in his own skin to pull off the line ‘No, it’s the other way around sweetheart. He was named after me’, then all is well. Adjust your cufflinks, order up a Martini and let the good times roll.
If however the Mr Bond in question sweats copiously at the mere sighting of a lass, still lives with his mum, and resembles the third Chuckle Brother – the one so repulsive they don’t let out – then it may be a slightly intimidating association to live up to.
In the football world there are surprisingly few examples of identical name-sakes, especially considering the sheer volume of professional footballers currently in employment (an estimated 4500 just in the UK alone). Domestically, in recent times, there’s been a brace of Alan Smiths, a pair of Andy Grays, a couple of Paul Robinsons, and, in a purely psychological sense, two Andy Gorams.
Yet these were all top class players in their own right. Each Alan and Andy and Paul had enough talent to carve out their own identity even though they shared it with another.
But what about those less fortunate? The relatively unknown duffers who, through choice or misfortune, are saddled with the same sobriquet as a superstar in their own field? Even just sharing a surname must be prohibitive when that surname is so indelibly linked to class and quality. These hapless cloggers are forever consigned to saying ‘No, not him. I’m the other one’ whenever they reserve a restaurant table; they constantly risk breaching false advertising laws whenever they pull on a jersey; and they’re eternally damned- due to their better-known name-twin – to inhabit page 100 of Google search.
Here at the Cutter we salute these lesser lights and feel it’s only fair to offer them a rare headline billing.
Mario Silva – Whilst the young magician David was perfecting his alchemy at Valencia, establishing himself as a highly accomplished trequartista the lesser-known Mario was understudying for Nuno Valente across the Iberian Peninsula at Porto. The three seasons spent there under Mourinho were Mario’s happiest time as a footballer. He won league titles, the UEFA Cup and the Champions League. Well, strictly speaking, Mario didn’t. Nuno Valente did. But he warmed the bench ably.
In 2009 the proficient left-back moved to Cyprus where he played all-too-briefly for Doxa Katokopias before sadly being released. Unable to find a club who were willing to take a chance on him Mario retired with little or no fanfare.
Only a few months later his more illustrious name-sake won the World Cup with Spain.
Nuno Valente meanwhile went on to become a massive flop for Everton.
'My hair is more luscious than David's. That's something right?'
Kaka – Not the former Ballon D’Or winner who cost Real Madrid £56 million and belongs to Jesus. The other Kaka, who won the Cypriot league in 2010, once cost Hertha BSC £1.4 million, and probably belongs to a Brazilian version of David Icke.
For, like his famous name-double, this Kaka also derives from the carnival capital of the world. Unlike the gifted genius however (who is only one year younger) he’s a bit….well, rubbish.
Fantastically though it was the inferior of the two who made the headlines recently when on loan to S.C. Braga of Portugal. The unfancied outfit made it all the way to the Europa League Final before finally succumbing to fellow countrymen Porto.
Sergio Torres – Some might question which player has been the poor relation this season. Whilst the infinitely better-known Fernando has spectacularly struggled at Chelsea following his controversial switch, persistently looking like a shadow of a shadow of his former self, the Argentine Sergio has helped Crawley Town gain league status for the first time in their history and enjoyed a giant-slaying cup run. This included a 90th minute winner against Derby to secure a dream televised tie at Old Trafford, proving that at least one Torres can find the net when it matters.
Five hundred times cheaper with the same goal return? Bargain.
Dani Sanchez – Whilst his Uruguayan counterpart Alexis attracts keen interest from all of Europe’s big guns following a sensational season with Udinese, 26-year old Spaniard Dani continues to ply his trade at Inverness Caledonian. As you read this he is probably sitting alone in a rented property, immensely homesick and not understanding a word of Take The High Road. Once played for Real Betis reserves. Ooh fancy.
Geraldo Alves – Whereas the Brazilian Daniel is one of the best exponents of the modern-day attacking full-back role, rampaging down the Barcelona right with panache and seemingly endless stamina, the Portuguese Geraldo is a perfect example of the ‘journeyman’ footballer. This solid, no-thrills centre-back has dutifully put in stints at clubs that sound like sleazy con-men (Gil Vicente. Pacos Ferreira) before moving to Greece and AEK Athens. From there he moved to Romania – as you do – where he currently turns out for Steaua.
Ronaldo – Poor Tiago Alexandre Carvalho Goncalves. At some point during his unspectacular rise through the Vitoria de Guimaraes ranks a cruel, presumably mischievous, reporter or club official decided to bestow upon him the footballing name ‘Ronaldo’. Whether the intention was to inspire or hinder, or even suggested just for shits and giggles, is unclear. But not only does this 22-year old midfielder of limited ability have to lumber around the Portuguese second division whilst bearing the name of a genuine global legend – he of the goofy dentures and phenomenal turn-of-pace – but also share it with his countries biggest superstar.
Tiago played just the once for Vitoria before moving to Standard Leige. The Belgian club were said to be beside themselves with such an astonishing coup. The whole town rushed to witness the arrival of one of the finest players of his generation sign for such a humble outfit from the backwaters of Europe. Sure they were suspicious of the free transfer. And they did wonder why it was the Portuguese version of Easyjet touching down on their modest runway when surely the multi-millionaire could afford to charter a flight.
But it was Ronaldo! Technically at least, they were correct.
Alas he never made a single appearance for the club and was soon shipped off back to obscurity.
