A host of Premier League chairmen were yesterday rubbing their sweaty hands together and patting their portly bellies at the news that Norwich City have been promoted back to the top-flight.
The vast majority of them were so busy making lucrative deals on the golf course that the advancement of women’s lib passed them by completely and most believe that feminism is a tummy complaint associated with menstruation.
Therefore the arrival of Delia Smith, the co-owner of the high-flying canaries, in their boardrooms next season is a reason to rejoice and lick their fat lips in anticipation at some decent home cooking.
Not only are they looking forward to the divine sponge cakes and asparagus tarts but the more optimistic of the prehistoric herd believe they are in with a shot of tasting more than her delicious baked goods.
‘It’s truly lamentable’, a powerful insider revealed, himself a former chauvinist who saw the light after his third wife made him sit down and watch Erin Brockovich. ‘Delia is their dream woman and Monday’s result has sent them into a blind spin. Several of them have gone out and bought brand new braces and sock-garters and a couple have even dyed their wigs a darker tinge. Most chairman divide females into two very distinct categories. There are the dolly-birds in short skirts straight from the1970s Confessions series. And there is the Hattie Jacques figure they married who knocks up a fabulous shepherd’s pie. Delia somehow manages to neatly straddle both these outdated concepts and it blows their grubby minds. The fact that she also evidently likes to guzzle back the sherry and looks a right old ‘go-er’ only clinches the deal.’
A chief-executive of a famous club, who shall remain nameless, summed up the general feeling of excitement amongst the oak-panelled set when he told us, ‘Nigella Lawson can get to fuck! Delia is the original culinary minx with her slowly drizzled toppings and vigorously beaten eggs, done with that coy half-smile and knowing eyes. All demure and bashful but we knew the score. In fact, if the wife was out I used to get quite bashful myself watching her. All the boys are looking forward to admiring her spread next year.’
‘Up till now we’ve had to make do with Karren Brady who looks like a docker in drag’, he added mournfully.