The quarter final draw for the Kenneth Clarke Cup was announced last night; the balls plucked from a velvet hood at F.A headquarters. The draw throws up some fascinating ties. Usually made of twine or rope.
The Cutter attempts to predict the outcomes as Wembley gets ever nearer.

Surprise Sex City v Duct Tape Wanderers

The Wanderers have several key men missing through lengthy suspensions for violent misconduct but should still have enough in their locker to gain a stranglehold in this game. City are the underdogs but their unpredictability means they can never truly be written off.

Night Prowler Athletic v Snuggle Struggle Rovers

Athletic are known, and abhorred, for their route-one football and sadly their direct approach – pouncing on half-chances with ruthless efficiency – may be too much for Rovers as they probe the channels to little avail.

Date-Hate United v Prison Violators

United were the bookies favourites to lift the cup this season – the team for the big occasion – but the Violator’s tight man-marking and overly-physical style of play may prove decisive as United are muscled into submission. They take no prisoners. Or rather they do.

Rohypnol Town v Pre-Season Tour Argyle

The rowdy Argyle will be looking to get amongst the Town early and give them a roasting but ultimately we can see the calm, languid passing of the ‘Pills’, as they’re otherwise known, winning out. Expect the post-match celebrations to be somewhat subdued.

All four sex-games will be played over the weekend of May 28th/29th with – alas – replays if required.
The eventual winners will have the cup presented to them by an idiotic Tory dinosaur at a special ceremony. Seriously.