'Dear Dios...' Fabregas prays for the return of the ball after another Bendtner shot.

Having tried every trick in the book – even the downright sneaky ones – a desperate Barcelona have resorted to sending a formal written plea to Arsenal begging to let them have a go on midfield schemer Cesc Fabregas.

The Catalan giants have previously attempted an underhanded media campaign (claiming the player was ‘suffering’), an over-handed media campaign (employing some of their stars – and friends of the Spaniard – to openly lure him home) and even, at one stage, put in an actual bid.

Now though, after seeing all their relentless pressure rebuffed by the London club, they have finally succumbed to extreme measures. Arsenal director Stanley Klondike revealed exclusively to the Cutter that the board yesterday received a letter that needed signing for so they knew it was important.

‘It was half written in Catalonian tears and half in crayon from the hand of a small sick child’ Klondike informed us. ‘It simply read – ‘Awww go on. No fair. Please can we have Fabregas. Pretty please. We’ll be good from now on. We respect you honest. You’re nearly as good as we are’. None of us knew quite what to make of it to be honest. Some chuckled whilst others were horrified that a once-proud club could stoop to this pitiful level.’

Those sons of whores are still bitching about a meaningless eight year contract.

Barcelona officials were last night defiant of their actions with a sweaty man in an expensive suit chomping on chorizo telling us ‘Arsenal are being so unreasonable about this. Cesc is Spanish and he’s really good which means he is, by rights, our property. There is even a photograph of him wearing a Barca shirt which, under Spanish law, makes him our player. Yet those sons of whores are still bitching about a meaningless eight year contract. We are willing to buy him rather than just order him back. What more do they want?’

The man then spat out some chewed-up sausage in disgust and stamped his feet like a toddler having a tantrum before revealing that he has received widespread support from the football community in their relentless quest to unsettle another club’s player.

‘I had a text from your Sir Alex of Ferguson only last week suggesting that we simply kidnap Fabregas the next time he is at an airport whilst your Tottingham gaffer Mister Redknapp said he greatly admired our honourable tapping-up but should try calling him ‘triffic’ a lot in the press. I don’t know what that means but he insists that it works for him all the time ’.