Word reaches the Cutter that ‘Big’ Sam Allardyce is assembling a vigilante squad of managers to take down the London rioters Old Skool-style this evening. Bosses of several leading clubs are so aggrieved at the threat of this weekend’s fixtures being postponed that they’ve decided to take matters into their own hands, led by the new West Ham chief who is furious that his failed promotion bid could be put back seven days. Chomping on seven packets of chewing gum simultaneously the eighteen-stone bruiser was overheard yesterday declaring to anyone within earshot that ‘Big Sam is up for cracking a few heads. They think this is a riot? They obviously never went to Burnden Park in the seventies. Those Blackberry-brandishing fuck-nuggets are going to think I’m the horsecunt of the apocalypse’.
His crack team of touchline crime-fighters thus far include Fulham gaffer Martin Jol (codename – The Thing), Martin ‘Mad Dog’ Allen, and Neil ‘the Road Warrior’ Warnock. Arsene Wenger has been approached to be the Professor Xavier figure directing operations from his plush Emirates office.
At this stage only costumes have been discussed, with Allen insistent on wearing nothing but a loincloth with his bare-chest smeared with the blood of dead revolutionaries. Warnock is reportedly favouring head-to-toe leather.
The idea was first mooted earlier this week at a LMA Awards ceremony. After quaffing a few too many free glasses of champers talk soon turned to the shocking events around the capital, in particular the looting of Tottenham Hotspur’s ticket office. An incensed Allardyce challenged Harry Redknapp to personally man the barricades outside White Hart Lane to ensure that this Saturday’s opener with Everton goes ahead as scheduled. Redknapp however was so impressed with the speed and agility of the looters that he instead made a few enquires and is currently attempting to sign them up. Wage disputes are still ongoing.
We tried to secure an interview with Big Sam, who we knew was keen to publicize the ‘chavalanche of whuppass’ he intended to unleash on the streets of London town but unfortunately we were passed on to a close associate.
‘He’s too busy right now trying to attach a Zorro mask around his massively circumferenced head’, the associate told us, ‘Obviously that entails a considerable amount of material and he’s already had to go back to the fabric shop three times for more’.
Allen wanted them to be known as Mad Dog And The Englishmen but it wasn’t deemed catchy enough.
The associate then revealed the full extent of the fantastic five’s devilish scheme.
‘The plan is simple. Each gaffer is assigned their own area of the capital. Arsene stares out over North London rubbing his temples enigmatically….my concern however is that he won’t see any of the major incidents. Jol takes care of business in the South-West, standing guard like a gorilla in a dicky-bow. Warnock will roam the west-end – he plans to hire out a big bastard Harley and complain the kids into submission – whilst Sam himself patrols the east-end bossing all the others about using his favourite headset and earpiece. Mad Dog meanwhile will be up in Nottingham making sure no looters mistake his County ground for a Lidl’.
And what are these brave soldiers of fortune intending to call themselves?
At this the associate rolls his eyes and admits to some in-house fighting over the name. ‘You wouldn’t believe the trouble that caused. Allen wanted them to be known as Mad Dog And The Englishmen but it wasn’t deemed catchy enough. Warnock pushed for the Premier League of Gentleman, which wasn’t bad in fairness, but ultimately they all settled for the Gaffer Squad. Jol has even sketched out a logo on a beermat which they hope to transfer onto badges. It shows the five of them in shadow like at the start of Charlie’s Angels’.
The Cutter understands that there was initially meant to be six such crusaders of pain as Ian Holloway was also invited down to take part in the riot backlash. Unfortunately he is presently stuck at Luton train station after mishearing about the hordes of youths breaking into shops and stealing things.
Even without the barmy Blackpool boss however we do not envy the hoodies out on the streets of the capital tonight. If anyone knows about injustice it’s the Gaffer Squad.