Last night I had a nightmare where I was a woman stuck in a bathroom and an axe repeatedly thudded against the door. Eventually it broke through and created a splintered hole through which a bug-eyed, manic David Moyes appeared with a demonic grin.
Thankfully he resisted saying the Jack Nicholson line and instead asked if he could borrow a tenner. Apparently there’s a loan move in the pipeline for a non-league striker and he needed to raise some funds.
My subconscious was telling me something I already knew; the new season is upon us. The support acts treated us to a decent set last weekend but now it’s the turn of the headliners. Its time to turn things up to 11 and unlock Clive Tyldesley’s padded cell.
Every Saturday in the Cutter we will be curbing the temptation to take a general overview of the fixtures and instead get down to brass tacks and concentrate on the personal battles that could be key in determining certain games.
With hilarious punnery we’re calling it match-ups of the day…..
Liverpool v Sunderland – Henderson v Vaughan
Two debutants clashing in the centre of Anfield. Henderson will be desperate to immediately prove his worth…well, perhaps not all twenty million, that would require some debut….to justify Dalglish’s faith in splurging such an amount on a youngster generally considered a touch over-rated. Following a dismal Under-21 showing during the summer – where he at least had the nous and awareness to recognize he was off his game and settled into a deeper role, concentrating on the simple stuff – it is vital for the lads confidence if nothing else that he imposes himself early on in the campaign with some decent performances. Dalglish has described Henderson as the ‘legs of Liverpool’ and with Gerrard out for the foreseeable future the young Wearsider will be expected to plunder forward and support Carroll and Suerez at every opportunity.
Attempting to negate these runs will be one of the most under-rated holding midfielders in the top flight. Vaughan arrived at Sunderland early in the transfer window on a free having ran his contract down at Blackpool and he’s an unfussy, neat player who does his job with a quiet consistency. Consequently he doesn’t receive anywhere near the acclaim he often deserves.
In addition to Henderson another new face lining up against Vaughan today will be someone who knows only too well how terrier-like the slight-of-build Welshman can be. Charlie Adam benefitted a great deal from his former seaside colleague’s tenacity last season and, though it will be fascinating to see Blackpool midfield squaring up to one another, it is whether Henderson can carve out space away from the attentions of Vaughan that will have a far greater impact upon Liverpool’s season.
Cue panic and confusion as a man with protective headgear flaps like a groping virgin before colliding into the back of John Terry
Newcastle United v Arsenal – Demba Ba v Thomas Vermaelen
This is a game that throws up so many questions but – being the opening fixture of the season – probably won’t answer any of them. Instead let’s hope for any kind of repeat of last season’s incredible 4-4 thrill-fest. Demba Ba arrived from West Ham intended as an additional source of firepower to compliment Carroll’s replacement PSG frontman Mevlut Erdinc. However, with Erdinc playing hardball over making the switch to St James’ Park the responsibility for goals will lie solely with Ba for the interim.
He will struggle getting even small change out of the sturdy Belguin Vermaelen who returned on the final game of last season following a long-term lay-off.
Vermaelen also is waiting for his future partner to arrive. Will it be Jagielka? Will it be Cahill or Samba? Questions question questions.
Stoke City v Chelsea – Petr Cech v Rory Delap
It’s not summer until you’ve seen your first pair of sweaty man-boobs jiggling around Tesco. It’s not August until you’ve witnessed a city on fire. It’s not the football season until you’ve cringed at a glorified rugby line-out being hurled beneath the opposition’s goal-posts by a man who looks like a Toby jug. Cue panic and confusion as a man with protective headgear flaps like a groping virgin before colliding into the back of John Terry whilst two eighteen stone bruisers both prod the ball home from an inch out. Welcome back to the Premier League. Ah we’ve missed you.
