This was originally published in July. Who could have predicted back then that events would eventually escalate beyond parody? Well, all of us probably.
A major Hollywood film about the inspirational story of Carlos Tevez and his brave plight to return home to be reunited with his daughters is about to go into pre-production. Tentatively titled Falling Down II it is not strictly a sequel in the truest sense but rather a ‘reimagining’ of the original Michael Douglas flick with Los Angeles swapped for Prestbury and the lead character no longer sporting a cracked pair of spectacles but instead weighed down by suitcases stuffed with money.
The Cutter has gained exclusive access to an early draft of the script and can reveal that the Tevez character leaves his car stranded at traffic lights en route to training one morning and begins a long arduous trek on foot to Manchester Airport. Along the way he encounters an array of misfits including a pair of Cheshire Chavs drinking cider in a park and has a memorable rant in McDonalds at a female employee.
‘You have children? Where are they?’
‘I’ve got two little smashers. They’re probably clunking Lego together in nursery around now. Or taking their morning nap.’
‘Probably? You mean you don’t know for sure where they are?’
‘What? Of course I know for sure. They’re at Huggy Hippos. I dropped them there earlier’
‘What a world we live in. You are here yet your children are there yes? You should be with them always. They are your blood. Your spirit. Your breath. Every second away from them is not worth living.’
The unhinged footballer – wearing his City training top throughout the film – then proceeds to punch a plastic Ronald McDonald full in the face.
The police are called and, with only the deserted car’s registration plate to identify the madman, refer to him therein as ‘I-LUV$’.
The film takes a more surreal turn when the Tevez character phones his ex-wife to tell her he is returning home. She is initially concerned at having her bluff finally called after pretending to be reluctant to move from her native Argentina just so she can remain thousands of miles away from the philandering lunatic. But then the ensuing dialogue reveals the true depths of his insanity.
‘I’m coming home Vanesa’
‘To Buenos Aires?’
‘What? No, to Milan.’
There has been sustained speculation in the pages of Variety as to who would be offered the coveted lead role. Pock-marked starer Ray Liotta was briefly in the running, as too was Benicio Del Toro, but he reluctantly had to pass due to other commitments.
Eventually legendary Puerto Rican actor Luiz Guzman snagged the part, appropriately enough as he once starred in Carlito’s Way.
An executive producer of the film told us about its origins.
‘I was visiting the UK in old London Town on some business. I read about this guy in your newspapers and thought ‘this is a movie just waiting to be made!’ It’s an incredibly moving and inspiring human drama about one man’s struggle to escape the shackles of adoration and riches in order to gain yet more riches and be closer to the loving arms of his kith and kin. It’s like a cross between Forrest Gump and Erin Brockovich. The little man campaigning against the evil corporation but, y’know, he ain’t the brightest button either’.
‘I’ll let you in on a little trade secret. This was originally envisioned as a comedy, a sort of Planes, Trains and Automobiles journey to get home for the holidays. In fact we even screen-tested Thomas Brolin for the John Candy role. But once we tweaked the script a little and added some strings to the emotional scene at the end where Carlos walks out into the San Siro and finally realises he’s still thousands of miles away from his kids….I won’t lie, we’re already getting some Oscar heat for this’.
Alas word has reached the player himself of such a possibility and he has already threatened to boycott the prestigious awards ceremony should the flick indeed be nominated. The outraged Argentine has claimed that the president of the Oscars committee has broken a mysterious promise to him, believed to be a pledge to move the ceremony wholesale to a small cinema in Buenos Aires as it clashes with his youngest daughter’s hair-washing night.