by Noel Draper
Your job is to keep up with play and raise your flag when something has gone wrong. It’s not to jog along for a bit and then, when you hear a whistle, stick your flag up on the off chance that you got it right. Two other things – you can stop the ball when it comes past you, it’s very easy to do, just stick out a leg and you are still called linesmen by most fans so why not change the name back?
Flashing advertising hoardings
Yes I know, money, money, money but when I watch football either at home or live my eye is sometimes drawn by the flashing images of some local eye centre with a 2 for 1 deal. Stop it. Stop it now. I don’t know anyone at a football match who remembers any of the adverts least alone acts on them when the game has finished. The same goes for the home viewer. Put the adverts back up for the local pie manufacturer and be done with it. Sod the Far East.
Match of the Day’s graphics
A lovely spinning ball spins over and over with a sort of deep swishing sound with the Match of the Day logo moving through the gaps before the camera settles on two ex-players and the host sitting on uncomfortable chairs waiting for the lights to come on. Hold on, we have time for one more deep swishing sound. There you go and turn on the lights. Why? Here’s a suggestion, lovely theme music before cutting to the studio. I can do my own deep swishing sounds, thanks.
Nearly every single footballer’s left arm is now covered in some sort of weird tribal ink that has absolutely nothing to do with them or who they are. What’s that Richard? Oh it’s a Maori tribal mark signifying that I will go to war if you steal my bananas. Right. Sorry, I thought you were from Dublin.
We have won the rights to show one game a month, get in! Hold on though, we need a gimmick, something that will make us stand out from the other broadcasters, any ideas? Go on, go on, hmmmm, well it might work, do we put actual coffee in the mugs? What about if someone kicks a ball at us or the fans start singing songs with swear words in them? It won’t happen? Right, let’s do this people. Try and make sure the mugs show the logo please people.
Please make Mr Neville stop touching things.
I get it now mate, you can grow your hair and style it in all manner of weird and wonderful ways. You now stand out on the pitch to hide your obvious lack of real football skills. Time to shave it off and go back to whatever division three team you came from. I’ve sussed you.
Dubious Goals Panels
At its base value, football is an entertainment sport designed to cheer up the great unwashed. To show how far football has now come from this base value someone in their infinite wisdom thought it would be a good idea to stick a few blokes around a desk staring at a very small 1980’s portable (this is what happens in my head so it must be true) trying to work out who touched it last. I don’t care if I’m honest. Really I don’t. Nor do a lot of other people I think. Here’s an idea, ball is hit by Mr A, after a few deflections it goes into the net. Mr A has scored. End of.
Why? Substitutes are allowed to run up and down the touchline so why can’t managers? Some of them, like Big Sam could do with the exercise.
The one thing I remember about playing football in the cold was the fact that if I ran around for a bit chasing the ball I warmed up. I seem to also remember that by the end of the match I was a lot warmer than when I started. This was probably due to a lot of shadow chasing but I was warm. I never, ever wore gloves unless I was IN GOAL.
Before a game. At half time. At the end of the game. When the transfer window is nearly closing. Whilst the host is out the back having a crafty fag. All of these scenarios have one thing in common and that is the over use of gadgets. Did I see the word “Skypad”? You have to be joking. ESPN even have a screen that looks like a bar football table. Why? Just show me the teams. I don’t need lines. I don’t need a little picture of them. Just show me the line ups and then talk about the game. In my head I think that they don’t really work and all the moving things around is just a ruse. It’s a running tape that would work without Mr Neville touching things. Please make Mr Neville stop touching things.
Do you agree with Noel’s choices? Are there any other aspects of the modern game that make you want to slap Sepp Blatter until he bleeds? If so let us know on Twitter @TheDaisyCutter1