'Mad Mario ruthlessly punches opponent in throat using anchient type of jujutsu learnt from a Mafiosi don.
by James Oddy
Italian football prodigy MARIO BALOTELLI has yet again shocked the football world by indulging in absolutely no OUTRAGEOUS behaviour. The Daisy Cutter can exclusively reveal that the City star INDULGED in no ROMPS WITH PAGE 3 STUNNAS or SET FIRE TO £50 GRANDS WORTH OF CASH WITH A FLAMTHROWER.
Uninspired hacks and professional scumbags tasked with tracking the players every move were left SEETHING after he allegedly watched TV with a cup of tea, before turning in for an early night.
One of the world’s top snoopers, Dave Snide, speaking from a bush in Balotelli’s garden, put down his long lens camera to exclusively tell his story to the Daisy Cutter.
“The lad didn’t do much really. He got home from training, pottered around the house. At one stage he TEASED us by putting on a red flat cap, similar to what Super Mario wears, but he took it off and watched a repeat of Friends on Comedy Central, the one wear Ross draws on Rachel’s face. He looked like he was drinking Earl Grey as well, which I suppose tastes WEIRD”
“The lad SHOWED NO RESPECT for the tabloid press of this country, acting like a normal human being.”
A spokesman for Greater Manchester emergency services also released a statement, confirming that no FIRES, ARRESTS or MEDICS were needed at BALOTELLI’S RESIDENCE.
“All our staff were gutted they couldn’t tell their mates an amusing anecdote and get his autograph” one COPPER revealed.
Balotelli’s representatives released a statement which made interesting points about a young man from a complex background that has lots of time and MONEY on his hands, but we can’t be arsed to translate it all into English and it doesn’t fit into our AGENDA.
