Mere months into the Wales job Chris Coleman’s position is already in doubt after the Cutter discovered a roughly-drafted team-sheet discarded in a bin outside a shop of mirrors he frequents on his days off.
A sharp-eyed Cutter employee retrieved it as Coleman strutted off for a manicure and facial at a nearby health spa and we planned to publish it in full this morning. After reading the barely legible scrawls of cluster-fuckery however and realising this man now holds the bright new dawn of Welsh football in his hands we were just too damn depressed to.
The initial team selection for this week’s Costa Rica friendly – written before his carer and backroom coaches could amend it to one that actually made sense – was found scrawled in felt tip pen surrounded by an array of childish doodles of boobs and fannies and is a damning indictment of his shocking ignorance of player’s identities.
Coleman revealed his total unfamiliarity with the modern game whilst co-commentating on a recent Man City v Spurs clash for Sky. In between unleashing thunderous burps from his fizzy cola directly into the mic and declaring that he would ‘have sexual intercourse with her’ whenever an attractive female in the crowd was spotted he referred to City’s magical little schemer as Di Silva throughout and disturbingly believed that Juanda Ramos was still in the Tottenham hotseat.
Despite these lapses – and the fact that he’s a truly abysmal football coach – the FAW had hoped he might be able to at least memorise the names of twenty-two Welsh players, jot them down on a piece of paper and then chew gum in a dug-out whilst looking quite serious.
Sadly it seems even this is hopelessly beyond him.
The team-sheet in question appears to favour an experimental 3-5-3 formation using an additional player to what is traditionally permitted under FIFA rulings. Coleman worryingly is also under the impression that his national skipper is in fact a former World Cup-winning boss of neighbours England.
The Principalities’ engine room is improved considerably by the inclusion of Ledley King – presumably this is Celtic’s Joe Ledley
In goal is ‘That lad from the Foxes’ which is believed to be Wolves’ Wayne Hennessey.
At right-back Coleman excels himself by correctly identifying ‘Chrissy’ Gunter but then instantly blots his copybook by adding in parenthesis ‘Remember to call him ‘Cunter’ in front of the lads. Should raise a giggle’.
Alongside the Nottingham Forest full-back is ‘Danny Garibaldi’ and ‘that black lad from Cardiff’. Encouragingly ‘Cardiff’ is then scribbled out and replaced by ‘Swansea’.
Where the left-back would ordinarily be is an over-sized question mark with ‘Do we need one?’ written beneath it.
Onto the Welsh midfield and the Principalities’ engine room is improved considerably by the inclusion of Ledley King – presumably this is Celtic’s Joe Ledley – who is bizarrely partnered by long-deceased frown-merchant Alf Ramsey.
Three names are excitedly scribbled in capital letters ahead of them – ‘BALEY, ‘BALEY’ and ‘BALEY’, the latter accompanied by a big smiley face and stained with some of Coleman’s drool.
‘Bellers’ and ‘Earny’ are barely visible amidst a mish-mash of confusing arrows to denote the runs they’re expected to make around the new Welsh target man who initially confounded us.
Written as ‘Paul Pestoandpeas’ we eventually determined that Coleman was referring to his former Fulham charge Peschisolido based upon an accompanying reminder by Wales’ very own Swiss Tony to ‘Wear a nice tie for Karren. Classy lady’.
Alas not only is Peschisolido long retired he is also Canadian.
At the foot of the page – presumably included as an after-thought and with stars around it so Coleman doesn’t overlook it – is one simple word: ‘football’.
The Cutter sent a photocopy of this diatribe of ignorance to the FAW who have doubted the authenticity of it.
Though our man only saw the back of Coleman as he walked away from the offending article he is sure we have him bang to rights.
“It was definitely him”, our spy told us. “The pungent smell of cheap aftershave and failure almost burned my eyes out”.