The man who inspired this list. Ladies and gentleman I give you Wayne Michael Bridge. No seriously, I’m giving him to you. Take him off our hands for f***s sake. He’s becoming City’s very own Winston Bogarde.
Bridge is the most one-footed player in the history of the game. Seeing him twist and contort into strange angles simply to avoid having to even touch the ball with his abortion of a right leg makes us weep for mankind. His weaker side is so redundant rumour is that Paul McCartney once enquired whether he was single.
And yet this imposter of a footballer, who permanently resembles a perplexed gargoyle, is dating a sexy pop star and picking up ninety grand a week. I think that sound I can hear is mankind weeping back at me.
Considering Bale’s kith and kin are delighted just to have opposable thumbs it might be a little unfair to highlight his non-existent right foot, but the sheer number of times he drags a weak, scuffed shot rolling towards the corner flag you have to question if he ever practised with it at all during his adolescence. Probably too busy w***ing himself off on the tyre swing and flinging faeces at passing humans.
When the Cutter previewed this feature on Twitter someone rightfully pointed out that a player is often described as ‘one-footed’ merely due to his excellence with one particular boot as opposed to his ineptitude with the other.
It’s a fair comment and probably applies here. Rustyballs wasn’t bad with his weaker left peg it has to be said but whilst deliveries with his right were always poised and balletic the few occasions he employed his other foot he undeniably swung it like a special needs kid wielding a club at the driving range.
It’s astonishing to think that the head-down, whir-of-legs speed merchant is still only 24 yet in that time he has amassed 251 professional appearances for club and country. Which means that Spurs’ recent FA Cup replay with Stevenage marked the 250th occasion when an opposition manager drilled home the pre-match mantra ‘show him inside’ to his full-back. Gary Smith – the gaffer in question – should have been handed a cake or something after he’s uttered it.
Speaking of God it seems extreme folly to include arguably the most gifted player ever on this list
Had a left foot like a traction engine and a right one like a handcar. From thirty yards out, with space to adjust, the burly Inter legend was deadly, capable of exploding an exocet missile into the far corner with his favoured limb. But if the ball whizzed across from the right you could expect a fluffed howler from the six-yard line every single time.
Time was when Inter had two supremely gifted one-foot wonders in the same side. Alongside Vieri El Chino ran riot in Serie A but was so reliant on his left peg he sometimes resembled Charlie Charlie-Charles from the Harry Enfield sketch where he glues the ball to one foot. Was still a glorious sight however, like a slimmed down poor-man’s Maradona. Current Inter hit-man Zarate isn’t fit to wear his one good boot.
Speaking of God it seems extreme folly to include arguably the most gifted player ever on this list – in fact it’s almost sacrilegious to include him on any list that includes Wayne f***ing Bridge – but Diego was indeed a genuinely one-footed maestro. During his mazy run against England – a one-man massacre that consisted of twelve touches – not once does the ball even go even close to the chunky shank of ham that was his right leg.
Ambidexterity may not be as important for a keeper as for his team-mates but the next time you watch Chelsea note the sheer panic on Terry’s face as he’s hurried into knocking it back to Cech on his weaker right side. Then guffaw as the ball is spooned at a strange right-angle into the crowd.
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