Gareth spies the monkey bars for the first time.

by Daisy Cutter

If there was one thing the recent friendly between Team GB and Brazil taught us it’s that even when we combine all four nations we’re still rubbish at international football and our chances of ‘medalling’ (that horrendous new verb) is slimmer than Keira Knightley’s wrists. But now that it’s acceptable for multi-millionaire footballers to mingle in the Olympic village with their Lotto-funded fellow athletes could we not throw in a few footballing ringers into other events and utilise their talents away from the pitch?

Gymnastics –Gareth Bale

Bale’s simian genetics gives him a hugely unfair advantage on the uneven bars but we shouldn’t allow ethics to cloud our selection process here. In the 1970s East Germany put 300 Spartans into various women’s events so rule-bending is rife in Olympic history and though Bale may show his monkey magic swinging from bar to bar there is equally a chance he may sit atop of one of them and fling his faeces into the crowd. So there are pros and cons to this which technically means it’s not cheating.

Gymnastics – David Beckham

Poor David. His lower lip hasn’t stopped wobbling since Stuart Pearce decided to actually try and do well at the games rather than pick people who just really want to be there because they’re like so, so proud to be British and everyfink.

Even so, his efforts to promote the thing does deserve some reward so we’ve looked around to see if there’s an alternative event he may excel at and chosen this. After all he mounts a horse every night.

Shot put – Rory Delap

Can launch a football half the length of the Brittania whilst being hampered by using both hands. Imagine how good he’d be with just the one.

The only concern lies with Robert Huth instinctively trotting onto the field, physically barging an official out of the way before getting his head on it thereby knocking himself unconscious.

100 m – Theo Walcott

Has broken records at three different distances for Arsenal in training (beating the previous holder Henry) and at the age of 15 he clocked an impressive 11.52 seconds in the 100m. It may not trouble Usain Bolt but he’d hardly disgrace himself and for the track that’s the best we can usually hope for anyway.

Diving – Ashley Young

We’d have the check the ruling on this but surely there is nothing stopping us affixing a prosthetic leg to the side of the high board. Up goes Ashley in his Speedos, trails out a foot that barely brushes the plastic stump, then flings himself gracefully into a triple pike with tuck, a move of such dramatic exaggeration it sends a humbled Tom Daley back to sixth form.

Marathon – Marouane Fellaini

Each season the towering Belgium features in the top ten players who have covered the most ground probably because it only takes him one stride to complete the equivalent of five for others. In 2011/12 he completed 204 miles in total so a piddling additional 27 should equate to an effortless stroll down the Pall. Fellaini also has the advantage of confusing his fellow competitors into believing they have taken a wrong turn into Hyde Park at the sight of his ridiculous hair.

Yes he’s Belgian but do they even have Olympic representation? Surely we can borrow him for one afternoon to finish what Paula Radcliffe once pissed away.

Javelin – Julian Speroni

The uncapped Argentine is eligible to represent Blighty after eleven years residence in the UK playing over 300 times for Dundee and Crystal Palace. The keeper is one of the best shot-stoppers around but it’s not for his agility that he’s required here but rather his freakish ability to hurl the ball far into the opposition half. Speroni’s throw has been a long-term weapon in Palace’s armoury releasing the ball quickly to the wide speed-merchants they traditionally like to employ. So in theory spearing a javelin to record lengths should present no great problem.

The 33 year old doesn’t hold the record however for having the longest throw for a keeper. That accolade lies with ex-Ipswich stopper Richard Wright who could actually reach venus with his. Mark Venus.