Andre tries out catalogue pose number 6.

by Jack Howes

I’m in love. With a man. And I’m heterosexual. I’m in the midst of what is known in modern parlance as a ‘man-crush’. A man-crush seems to be a heterosexual male having feelings of affection and even lust for a fellow male. Amongst football supporters this is becoming more of a phenomenon. See the reaction of Arsenal fans when male model Olivier Giroud signed for Arsenal, or go back to the late 90’s and see how Spurs fans would collectively swoon at each David Ginola stepover.

Well I was too young to really remember Ginola, probably because that was such a grim period in Spurs history that any of the faltering memories I do have were quickly hurled into the biggest metaphorical dustbin I could find. But now I’ve grown up a bit, I’m starting to feel similar pangs of affection and longing. Not for the now retired, white haired Ginola but for our new manager, the young, bearded, gruff voiced Andre Villas-Boas.

I only have to look at him to feel some love for the guy. I look at his dapper suits, high levels of beard potential, great hair and listen to his smooth yet raspy voice which always makes him sound like he needs a glass of water, a lie down and some Lockets. I can’t get enough of Andre Sexy-Boas.

AVB is the first Spurs manager who has ever really stirred these feelings in me. Christian Gross was useless. George Graham was a Gooner. Glenn Hoddle always had this smug, far too self-satisfied air about him. Jacques Santini didn’t last long enough for any meaningful opinion to be formed. Martin Jol was immensely likeable, but he was more of a friendly uncle than a truly serious figure of affection. Harry Redknapp was too shady and referred to Spurs as ‘them’ rather than ‘we’ too often for my liking. So far though AVB is the full package; young, successful and well groomed.

Along with his handsome looks though is the fact he could potentially be a great manager for Spurs. The high-tempo 4-3-3 he used successfully at Porto and unsuccessfully at Chelsea could work wonders at the Lane, where he’ll inherit a young, pacy side who will surely enjoy the organisation and tactical nous AVB will provide after the laissex-faire ‘play where you want’ attitude of distinctly not-handsome Harry Redknapp.

It’s the hope provided by AVB’s incredible success at Porto that perhaps makes Sexy Boas so alluring to me. Under his guidance and leadership, Porto won 84 points out of 90 in the league, were the first Portuguese side this century to go unbeaten through a whole league season (suck on that Mourinho), won the Portuguese Cup and the Europa League.

They won the Treble, every competition they entered. And they did it playing flowing, aggressive, attacking football. The sort Spurs have prided themselves on playing throughout their history. Harry Redknapp at times got Spurs playing the sort of successful, aesthetically pleasing football that I dream Villas-Boas will bring to the Lane on a regular basis.

Now I don’t expect AVB to bring similar success to Spurs. We’re Spurs, not Manchester United or one of the new wave of mega-rich sides with more money, oil and egos than sense. I don’t expect league titles or success on a mass scale (though of course it would be nice) but were Spurs to be better than we were under Redknapp, to win a couple of cups and maybe challenge for a league title without a devastating late season collapse like last season, that would be wonderful.

If AVB clicks with Spurs like he did with Porto, those things can happen. And anyone who brings success to Spurs, I like immensely and have a slight fancying for. Even Redknapp, wearing a too big raincoat, slumped in the dugout like a beached whale was likeable when Spurs were winning.

Sexy Boas’s failure at Chelsea will make any success he many achieve at Spurs all the sweeter (and AVB all the more arousing). We’ll be able to show to Chelsea the great manager they could have prospered under had they listened to him, especially if/when Di Matteo goes the way of every other manager under Abramovich and becomes a very rich unemployed person.

If AVB is successful you may need a restraining order against me to stop me nipping to Spurs new training ground a mile from my house to catch a glimpse of the Bearded One. The Peep Show episode where Mark falls in love with Johnson may be more of a documentary than a comedy. AVB may finish the work which Ryan Gosling started off in Drive – to turn me gay or somewhere close to it.

I exaggerate slightly there, but I do quite fancy Andre Villas-Boas. He has the looks, the voice and the demeanour to really get me wanting to give him a hug, a pat on the back and maybe something more than that. All that’s missing currently is the success I dream he’ll bring to my beloved Spurs. Should he be successful, police forces in North London may have a good-natured stalker on the loose.