England number one Joe Hart is deservedly copping some good-natured stick for becoming the new face – or should that be hair? – of a well known anti-dandruff shampoo.
Whilst the City stopper is head and shoulders above his rivals (apologies for that) we really don’t see how having a clean scalp helps in dealing with a fizzing, dipping twenty yarder and we’ve never yet seen a keeper reach for a cap when it starts snowing so a few itchy flakes here and there would hardly be an inconvenience.
Evidently the lure of a small fortune was enough to tempt Joe to say these words with a straight face – “When I’m on the pitch I need to be at my best. If I look good I feel good too” – but if players want to take the corporate shilling shouldn’t they be endorsing products more appropriate to their personalities?
Mark Lawrenson – Shredded Wheat
He’s had one on his head for the past twenty years so why not profit from that?
Rio Ferdinand – Walls Choc Ice
Rio takes a bite then looks straight at camera laughing at his simple enjoyment of a chilled dairy treat. “Hahaha classic! Catch one before they sell out”
Joey…sorry, Joe Barton – Danone Activia
Slogan – ‘When everyone hates your guts try something that loves it’
Ashley Young – Wintertrax shoe grips
Guarenteed to keep you on your feet on the slippiest of dry April pitches.
Gary Lineker – Persil
No matter the stains it keeps you whiter than white. Our lawyers have advised us to say no more than that. Other than the crisp whore is bound to say yes.
Peter Crouch – Hartley’s jam
To the soundtrack of The Verve’s Lucky Man the would-be virgin is filmed getting out of his marital bed, casting his eye on the gentle rise and fall of his drop-dead gorgeous missus as she slumbers. He puts on a robe then heads downstairs and blearily pops in some toast.
Cut to a suddenly revitalised Crouchy crunching his way through a slice tickly laden with fruit preserve. “I thought I was jammy” he says with a sly wink.
David Moyes – Beaverbrook jewellers
Moyes heads down the local high street his usual dour self and instinctively ventures into store. Thereupon the sight of hundreds of shiny gold rings sends him into an apoplexy of excitement. Grabbing every gold trinket he can find he clutches his haul tight to his chest and wheezes out a contented ‘My precious’ to camera.
The only downside is that it’s unlikely the Everton gaffer will agree to this.
Jerome Boateng – Kentucky Fried Chicken
A compilation of the Bayern and Germany defender bottling out of numerous challenges and all to the tune of Coward of the County by Kenny Rogers.
Then cuts to show the new supa-deluxe double-burger with the words “A tasty challenge even Jerome wouldn’t chicken out of”.
Roberto Mancini – Rowntrees fruit pastilles
The sweet of choice for the Italian as he stares sternly from the touchline, taking them one at a time from his pocket and occasionally sharing with either Kidd or Platt.
Rowntrees missed a real trick back in May to make every ABU across the country laugh and best of all they needn’t have even secured the services of Mancini to do so.
Picture the scene – a kid’s game with a nervous father watching on. His son’s team are taking a bettering and the frantic dad seeks solace in a sweetie. The moment he chews he witnesses a miraculous comeback in the dying moments with his Aguero-lookalike offspring thumping home the winner. All to Martin Tyler’s marvellous commentary.
Tony Pulis – Tesco back-to-school range
With a voiceover from someone you vaguely recognise but can’t quite nail before realising it’s that burly lady who once dated Paul Merton Tesco inform the viewers that it’s not just the children that need kitting out. Cue Pulis in his s*** PE teacher tracksuit.