They’ll wave your club scarf and claim devotion but you’ll never see them at the burger van (except Eamonn Holmes). They are the celebrity fan and here are the ten worst.
10/ Tom Hanks (Aston Villa)
With the prime minister a fan, our future king William, the governor of the bank of England, and an A-lister from Hollywood (to be used for propaganda purposes) theoretically Aston Villa could form its own powerful country.
In reality however only Mervyn King is an actual attending supporter with the others name-checking the Midlands side because PR people realise it’s a safe uncontroversial choice that will only alienate Birmingham fans. And they don’t really matter.
Hanks once stated that he chose Villa because it sounded like a nice spa and he liked the colours. A few years later on the Graham Norton show he got the colours completely wrong. It’s hardly the Da Vinci code Tom.
9/ Catherine Zeta Jones (Swansea City)
Oggy, oggy, oggy, no, no, no. The notion that Zeta Jones would have a scooby who Michael Laudrup is suspends belief like Ocean’s 12 and she wouldn’t recognise Danny Graham even if he dressed up as a Hello photographer. We do assume though she’s a fan of rich, aging chairman Huw Jenkins.
8/ Colin Murray (Liverpool)
Murray is admittedly quite decent on the radio but on telly his smug student persona grates like wirewool on a cock-tip. His credentials as a Liverpool may be sound but amongst the red cabal of Hansen and Lawrenson do we really need a supposedly impartial host to join in with the Liverpool love-in?
7/ Terry Christian (Manchester United)
In sixteen novels and hundreds of short stories Charles Dickens attempted to create the perfect incarnation of grotesque villainy perhaps coming closest with Fagin or Daniel Quilp in The Old Curiosity Shop. If he’d hung around for another 150 years the literary colossus would have been delighted to have encountered Christian, a weaselly, sneering gobsh**e who apparently is from Manchester though he never likes to talk about it.
6/ Michael Jackson (Exeter City)
If it wasn’t bad enough having creepy spoon-botherer Uri Geller as your co-chairman unfortunate Grecians then had to endure their beloved club being turned into a nationwide laughing stock as a freakshow of Geller’s pals rolled into town. The surreal appearance of soul diva Patti Boulaye, professional starer David Blaine, and the King of Pop at the tiny St James’ Park made it the most memorable day in Devon since Bob from Ifracombe won a grand on the Lotto.
Speaking pitchside in that timid Mickey Mouse voice of his Jacko began with ‘Hello to you wonderful people of Exeter’ immediately showing a complete ignorance of the area before – and I’m not making this up – asking the crowd to hold hands to encourage peace in the middle-east.
5/ Elijah Wood (West Ham)
As if Wood didn’t make a big enough t*** of himself in Green Street – Frodo Baggins as a hoolie – he then went on to describe a home win over Crewe as ‘a profound experience’ due to ‘the kinetic energy’ he felt from the VIP hospitality suite from where he watched it. Gumbo would have battered him.
4/ Sylvester Stallone (Everton)
When Toffees heard that Bill Kenwright had utilised his showbiz contacts to help boost the profile of the club they got all excited thinking Betty’s hot-pot would be served in the bars. In the event Stallone was wheeled out looking confused and punch-drunk.
Everton really missed a trick not inviting their former diminutive striker Heath to step onto the pitch for a ‘Yo Adrian’ moment.
3/ Tony Blair (Newcastle United)
Proving that Arsenal fan Osama bin Laden wasn’t the only warmonger who followed a Premier League team Blair said in 1997 that he watched the great Jackie Milburn as a kid whilst standing in the Gallowgate End. Pretty impressive considering Milburn retired when Blair was just four.
2/ Eamonn Holmes (Manchester United)
Holmes idolises George Best and supports United which is incredibly original for someone from Belfast. In 2010 the human cheeseburger threatened to sue anyone who made fat jokes at his expense but here at the Cutter we reckon we’re on solid enough ground. Well, unless he stands on it.
1/ Piers Morgan (Arsenal)
Looking like a vat of out-of-date yoghurt poured into an expensive suit Morgan has made it his business to make the entire world think that he’s a c***. To that end he has been extremely successful. Gives players endless abuse on Twitter for taking the dollar whilst doing likewise himself.