To celebrate the Cutter’s decision to venture into music and film (whilst keeping the same quantity and quality of football content you’ve become accustomed to on these pages) we’ve matched twelve players up to singers or bands they share a kinship with.

Pat Nevin – Belle and Sebastian

At a time when every player’s soft-top had Simply Red warbling out from its newfangled CD player the Chelsea and Everton winger was considered an oddity simply for having decent taste. An indie kid blessed with an impish talent Nevin’s football perfectly corresponded with his musical leanings; a whimsical, floaty style of play where it was impossible not to imagine The Boy With The Arab Strap soundtracking each dip of his shoulder.

Signature song – The Blues Are Still Blue

Michael Ricketts – Interpol

They had an arsenal of killer songs and the world at their feet. Then the New York post-punk revivalists just…vanished, to the extent where their name suddenly seemed entirely appropriate and…..oh, wait, there they are, still going on some European festival stage. Interpol didn’t disappear after all, they just went a bit shit.

The same fate befell Ricketts from a similar hype and height. It’s strange to think now but there was a time when the Bolton striker was considered the possible future of England’s frontline; a muscular presence alongside Michael Owen. A Emile Heskey with a bit of pace and skill.

Still only 33 Ricketts is currently without a club after not doing much at a multitude of lower league outfits.

Signature song – The Undoing

Stefan Savic – The Verve

The only lookalike in this line-up but the ex-Manchester City gaffe-merchant really is the spit of The Verve’s sullen frontman Richard Ashcroft. Now at Fiorentina Savic initially looked a real prospect but alas his time at the Etihad was a bittersweet symphony. The defender wasn’t very adept at rolling people, had so little pace he’d struggle to catch a butterfly, was a liability with space and time, and was often caught in a neon wilderness. City fans were bemused as to why Mancini stuck by him in key games over Lescott. Just a lucky man I suppose.

Signature song – History


Dimitar Berbatov – Leonard Cohen

Languid and louche the Bulgarian sits upon his stool, sweeps back his thinning hair, lights another Gauloises, and proceeds to croon through a set comprising mostly of rather boring torch songs punctuated by the odd moment of lyrical genius.

Signature song – Hallelujah

Joey Barton – Gene

Ah how the tweet and tender hooligan would love to be The Smiths. Unfortunately for Joseph he simply doesn’t possess the wit nor whimsy of Mozzer in the same manner he is deficient of football ability on the pitch. So then he is 90s Britpoppers Gene which is quite unfair on the band itself as their ‘poor man’s Smiths’ tag was always somewhat wide of the mark in our opinion.

Signature song – Fighting Fit

Theo Walcott – Scooter

The glorified whippet plays at 260bpm with the sophistication or subtlety of a gurning speed-freak waving glo-sticks. Techno techno techno.

Signature song – Hyper, Hyper

Fernando Torres – The Coral

Astonishingly good in Liverpool but once taken out of their Merseyside milieu strangely lost the spark and magic. Who are we talking about, Torres or the band? Well both of course.

Signature song – Two Faces

Lionel Messi – The Beatles

Here, there and everywhere the little maestro is our modern-day Mozart incomparable to his peers and setting a new standard of brilliance. Additionally, like the Fab Four, the mop-haired Argentine would probably be recognised from Siberia to the rain forests of Borneo. Just be wary of anyone reading Catcher In The Rye Lionel.

Signature song – Come Together

Michael Carrick – Status Quo

Never straying beyond their safe three-chord dad-rock the Quo have been thudding along for years churning out their predictable ABC fare. Carrick is much the same, producing an unimaginative brand of football that could aptly be termed as double-denim.

Signature song – Pictures Of Matchstick Men

Brad angrily responds to someone calling him a Judas.

Brad Freidel – Bob Dylan

Brad has been going since Methuselah was a nipper, he knows his craft inside-out, and he still gigs every week at the Lane, putting in performances that reveal true class acts never lose it.

Marouane Fellaini – Spinal Tap

With hair turned all the way up to eleven the Everton powerhouse is both brilliant and bizarre. A colossus in height he is also imposing enough to make any opponent resemble an eighteen inch Stonehenge.

John Terry – Johnny Rebel

Google him if you’re not aware of the 1960s country musician. We’re saying no more.

Ryan Giggs – Sly and the Family Stone

It’s a family affair.