Cutter pundit Lorro – not Lawro – ponders the stupidity of football.

The Cutter’s resident pundit and expert analyser Mark Lorrowson – who bears an unfortunate and uncanny resemblance to the BBC’s footballing sage with a similar name – kindly takes time off from compiling his Encyclopedia Of What A Goal That Was By The Way and offers his thoughts on the fixtures ahead this weekend.

Arsenal v Fulham

Wenger’s teams play some lovely stuff but there’s never a cutting edge. I mean, how many have they scored this season, three is it? I watched the first half of their recent game at Reading because the golf was cancelled and two words for you…a-bysmal. No-one will ever convince me that Theo Walcott is a scorer of goals.

Lorro’s prediction: “Do Fulham still have Zamora? No? 3-0 home win then”

Aston Villa v Manchester United

Sir Alec must be pleased with how his side got a result in Barca in midweek – hey, I’ll tell you what, if they manage to get out of that group of death they’ve performed a minor miracle – and now they’ve got a much easier challenge at Villa. I don’t know anything about them so I’ll say a comfortable 2-0 win for the champions, assuming by the way that they don’t get complacent.

Lorro’s prediction: “2-0 to the champions”

Chelsea v Liverpool

Wow, what a game. Will that Spanish lad do it when it really Matas? Will Moses part the red sea? As daft as this sounds I might give this a watch. (After discovering that it’s a Sunday 4pm kick-off) Hold your horses, the Singapore Open will be on but hey, with so many special players out there I’m sure this will drag on to extra time anyway.

Lorro’s prediction: “Narrow home win after extra-time

Everton v Sunderland

David Moyes has done wonders on a very tight budget up there and they’ll be fine. Relegation? No danger. They’ll be fine. They will be really up against it here though because Martin O’Neill has done what he does best – moulds a tight-knit group of lads who will all run through walls for him. And they are flying right now by the way. He’s barmier than a chip bap is Martin – he once head-butted Hansen in the studio just for squeaking out a fart – but it gets results.

Lorro’s prediction: “A late winner from that Fletcher lad. What a player he is by the way”

Manchester City v Tottenham

The question is, who will Stupid Mario kick this time? That’s if he even gets the ground in that invisible plane he bought last week. And will Carlos Tevez play? If he feels like it is the answer. Pass Go and collect a king’s ransom. I’d love to say Spurs have a snowballs here because they do things the right way but what chance do they have when City pay the likes of Yaya Toure half a million a day?

Lorro’s prediction: “A defeat for football”

Newcastle v West Ham

This could be a right old ding-dong with both managers facing their former clubs. Is Andy Carroll back playing yet because he’s always a good talking point? We’ve had to put the Hammers on last on Match of the Day since he’s been injured. And then Newcastle have that super frontline as well don’t they so there should be goals by the dozen. Even so, I’m predicting Big Andy to bag a few with Ba looking sheepish. Are you having that? Ba looking sheepish.

Lorro’s prediction: “A 2-4 thriller”

Wigan v West Brom

Who cares? Seriously. Are you kidding me? Can you honestly tell me that even Wigan and West Brom fans give a damn about this one? Get a life.

Lorro’s prediction – “Get a life”