A pie earlier today.

by Bob Lethaby

Police are investigating an allegation made by a Newcastle United supporter that a Liverpool fan has made racist remarks against him, claiming that he was a fat bastard who had eaten all the pies from the Anfield refreshment bar. Bare chested, unemployed social inadequate, Geordie Burgerbar, 28 (stone) claims that Liverpool fan, Mickey Mouser, sang the chant whilst pointing at his stomach and making exaggerated circular movements with both hands. “He was clearly insinuating that I was fat, that I had no father, and I had eaten all the Anfield pies. The fact is, I did have a father (Geordie senior died of a massive heart attack whilst sat on the toilet in 2001) and I did not eat any of the pies at Anfield as I had already had six Big Mac meals at the local McDonalds” said Burgerbar.

In a further twist to the story Mouser, a fake tracksuit distribution agent from Merseyside, claimed that Burgerbar had chanted a racial slur at him first. I am neither denying or admitting the claim Burgerbar is making against me, but it is clear that prior to the allegation he could be seen bellowing out a song that claimed  that I was in the habit of looking in my bin for something to eat, finding a dead rat and thinking it was a treat. I have never searched a bin for anything other than other peoples discarded bank details.” Said Mouser.

PC Nick Forfun from Merseyside police said that these incidents were not isolated and that he had already arrested and charged three men for making sick comments on Twitter claiming that Luis Suarez had dived, Fabricio Coolocini was nasty and that Br*ndan R*dgers was a football manager. “It’s a ludicrous situation” Said Forfun. “I joined the force to fudge information, take backhanders, beat up miners and frame innocent men. Forgive the pun but this is all PC gone mad.”

Meanwhile our usual source at the F.A said that racist abuse had to be halted: Fortunately these types of racist incidents are extremely rare in England as it is generally those dirty foreigners from the Eastern bloc who carry out this vile abuse. This is mainly because they are an uneducated sub human race. The FA will of course work to stamp out any of this kind of behaviour and we remain committed to finding a black footballer who will come out as homosexual and dance to Pet Shop Boys on the centre circle of Wembley Stadium.

Meanwhile Ashley Cole, the Chelsea star and general all round bell end, tweeted: “Went to training this morning and shot the cleaner with an air rifle. FA didn’t see funny side though. That’s because they are all a bunch of f*cking c*nts.”