Learn our ways you rotten beast.
by Daisy Cutter
The F.A is seriously proposing the introduction of ‘cultural lessons’ to better acquaint foreign players to the English game. The Cutter imagines what might be contained within the 93 point document….
Love thy neighbour
As recent events have dramatically proven misinterpretations of cultural slang can quickly lead to a sticky wicket so it is important you realise Great Britain holds no truck with racism or bigotry of any kind. It is acceptable – indeed a spiffing wheeze – to refer to a trio of black players as the ‘Three Degrees’ or to sarcastically call a fellow player a ‘black c***’. It is even okay to throw a banana onto the pitch should you be spawned from the uncouth classes. But 70s humour, sarcasm, and food produce aside, racism is considered poor form on this sacred isle.
Bending the rules
The quintessential Englishman Sir Alf Ramsey called it right in 1966 when he referred to you lot as ‘animals’ but, unusually for such a meticulous chap, he did not elaborate on what creature exactly. It is our assertion that every rotten man-jack of you is a snake in the grass what with your pinching and hair-pulling and sneaky stud-scrapes down the calves. Let us be quite clear here – such bounder behaviour will be severely frowned upon should you be privileged to play on God’s green turfs. Instead please source any DVD that highlights the splendid commitment of such fine men as Norman Hunter or Ron Harris. These sterling examples of the pedigree of man that won us two world wars would never countenance underhand deviancy. Instead they committed acts of pure leg-threatening assault before taking their victim a pint of stout in A&E. It is requested that you respect our customs and do likewise.
Angling for a move
It is not the done thing on these shores to angle for a move – or indeed seek higher wages – by declaring openly in a newspaper that you are unhappy. This is vulgar and undignified behaviour. Instead get your agent to leak a story to the press about how your club lacks ambition and the chairman is a tightwad. Then engineer rumours of another club being interested in you. Finally, declare to a reliable source that you are being sold against your will. This is called etiquette.
Don’t marry glamour
While we are sympathetic to players being brought up in heathen lands where sex in the street is commonplace and lady-bits are shown on the television set before sundown we would respectfully ask you to curtail your lawless lothario ways whilst residing here. We are given to understand that it is common for your sort to marry models or even, in rare instances, those of a porn persuasion. This will not be tolerated in Britain where puritanical virtues are still adhered to and y-fronts are starched prior to coitus. Instead we would suggest you enjoy nuptial bliss with a childhood sweetheart and purge your rampant cheating loins in the privacy of a nightclub toilet like normal people do. Ideally with an orange-skinned aspiring wag riddled with chlamydia.
Handshakes
Empires were built on handshakes. Good solid firm handshakes. None of this fist-bump or gangsta slap frippery. It is why we in this country host a ritual for gentleman players prior to each game where they line up and respectfully show their appreciation of one another. Whether they be rapskallions, England captains, or, in John Terry’s case, both you could do a lot worse than follow the conduct of our footballers on and off the pitch. Take Wayne Bridge: a fine upstanding fellow with a grip like a brigadier.
Diving
Simulation is very much frowned upon in Albion; it’s just not cricket old bean and directly contradicts our long-standing tradition for fair play and correctness.
The exception to this rule is when one of our boys is wearing an England top in a major tournament. Then cheating becomes a refreshing lack of naivety as we take on the cunning continentals at their own game.
One thing we absolutely do not tolerate however is rolling around like a big pansy. Please employ a stuff upper lip at all times because worse things happen at sea.
