A sufferer yesterday

The World Health organisation has this week published a disturbing report that reveals that one in ten humans suffer from ‘supporting’ Manchester United.

The shocking figure is believed to be considerably more than initially estimated and with 659 million afflicted around the world the disease has now been termed a global epidemic.

World leaders are said to be meeting in Geneva next month to discuss what can be done about the virulent plight with Mick Hucknall pledging to host a benefit concert at Wembley stadium in the near future to raise funds and further highlight the problem.

The symptoms include ref blindness, a colossal arrogance, and an inability to locate Old Trafford on a map and is said to primarily strike in childhood after witnessing a cup final on a television set.

The affliction, more commonly known as Armchairitis, has increased year-on-year since 1993 and strains of the disease have been detected in the US and Asia usually in direct correlation with a pre-season tour.

Respected neuroscientist Arthur Ragg exclusively spoke to the Cutter on an illness that has ravaged areas of the south-east and most of Ireland.

“We’re spent millions on research and some of the best doctors are working around the clock but alas the only known cure at present is for United to go through a season without winning a trophy. Our studies show when this occurs the rate of the infected drops dramatically by at least 40%”

With tears welling up in his soulful eyes Arthur told us about a particularly sad case.

“I personally visited a containment area – a pub in Surrey – only last week and saw for myself how dreadfully awful this condition can be. A fully grown man was bedecked in official merchandise purchased online and was watching a game on the telly. He was unable to recognise Alexander Buttner and repeatedly referred to Rooney as the ‘white Pele’. With the game still goalless after twenty minutes he began espousing the virtues of Cantona and wondered aloud why Sir Alex had not selected him for such a crucial fixture. I’m a hardened man of medicine but its impossible not to be affected when seeing such a tragic plight especially when, in this instance, the malady appeared to be hereditary. His young son sat beside him with a noticeable tinge of plastic across his little face”.

In related news a similar study was intended to uncover the lesser-know Gooners Disease but those affected were said to be too embarrassed to fill in the questionnaire.