by Darren Walsh
Good positive start, sort of, from Roy Keane as he talks about Frank Lampard: “Despite him being overweight early in his career, he’s improved from there.”
A Benfica fan dressed as a bishop is pontificating noisily until someone stops him to say that he’s in their place.
An interview with David Luiz, who asked what he likes to do most on the field.  “Attack and play with the ball.”  As if there was any doubt.  If Brian Clough was his manager, he’d almost certainly say that he should just defend properly as that’s what he’s paid for.
Pablo Aimar is somehow still just 33 years old.  He’s only on the bench, however, which he certainly wouldn’t be if this was Championship Manager 1999.
John Terry is seen in his suit, which may or may not be a one piece outfit that he can rip off before the trophy presentation.
ITV interviewer’s opening part of a question to Rafa Benitez:  “Injuries to Terry, and significantly, Eden Hazard…”  Blatant disrespect for England’s Lionheart there.
68th game for Chelsea this term.  Part-timers: Wigan could possibly play 81 next season.
“Benfica are serious opponents”, says Clive Tyldesley.  Glad to hear that, as I thought we might see an amateur outfit in this European final.
Strange circles in each penalty area: this is where someone pithier than me would say there’s more chance of a UFO landing than a Fernando Torres goal.
Ramires gets cleaned out by Matic as he runs onto a Cech throw out.  A 2013 version of Vinnie Jones’ reducer on Steve McMahon perhaps.
The second guessing from Andy Townsend is ridiculous.  Salvio is through wide of the goal and crosses low.  Andy thinks he should have shot, and you know that if he did that it would have instead been selfish to shoot from a narrow angle when he missed.
So many sights of goal for Benfica in the first 15 minutes, but they either overdo the passing or slip at the crucial time.
Not too many teams have a player on the bench who’s scored 28 goals so far in the season, but Benfica do with Lima.
Luiz isn’t getting quite the leeway that he does in the Premier League, being whistled for some enthusiastic challenges.
No one can get near Matic, he just glides away from would-be challengers.
Crazy spin on a Lampard shot that Artur manages to get a hand to, despite diving the wrong way.
So it’s 0-0 at half time, in a game where Chelsea have been pushed back and conceded a lot of chances.  It all sounds very familiar.
Keane really wants to show Lampard’s bad moments, with a clip of him not switched on at a free kick and complaining to the referee rather than playing on.
Same beginning to the second half: Benfica getting a few chances but not making the most of them.  Not testing Cech for a start.
Cardozo heads in but is offside.  On the replay, it’s pretty tight but the right decision.  Townsend is unequivocal about it; sounds like he’s trying to convince himself more than us.
Ramires is through but the flag is up: Artur doesn’t know and hares out of his area to take both man and ball with his sliding challenge.
Tyldesley blames the Dutch television coverage for not showing a replay of an incident; expect him to get detained at customs on the way home as some weed gets planted on him.
Simple throw out from Cech that runs through to Torres who takes it around the keeper and finishes.  Once again they’re somehow in position to win a cup despite being outplayed.
Once Benfica were confident and swaggering around the field, but not they’re shaky and stumbling, not able to string two passes together.
A Chelsea fan “praying” just before a free kick is taken: obviously knows the cameras are on him.
Hopeful lifted ball from Cardozo into the penalty area and Gaitan’s path which is deflected by Azpilcueta’s hand; no doubt about it being a penalty.
“BLAST!” says Tyldesley as Cardozo fires down the middle.  Not sure if he’s describing the penalty or conveying his innermost feelings.  Meanwhile Cardozo has injured himself in the process.
“Cole is attacking, it’s once more out of your view; it’s like I’m doing radio commentary here”.  Tyldesley is not happy with the locals here at all.
We get a mention of Benfica’s previous lost finals over the years, including a “Champion’s League final loss.”  So the Champion’s League was around in 1988, was it?
Lampard with another strike; no spin on this one which hits the bar.
Cramp for a Benfica player as we hit 90 minutes; he’ll have to recover for another 30 it seems.
Turns out he won’t, as Mata lofts in a corner and Ivanovic is able to drift his header into the far corner for the winner.  The team celebrate near the stand and almost run over a steward, who swiftly gets out of the way but goes back to rescue his plastic stool.
Tyldesley brings up the centre back missing last season’s final and finding out that he was suspended from “a TV interviewer” who was Sky man Geoff Shreeves.  Clive has managed to have a go at everyone tonight.
Time for one more chance for Benfica that Cech just about manages to claw away, and it’s all over.
Celebrations for Chelsea, while Lampard deals with a pitch interloper in a pretty calm way.  No stewards around, which seems to prove that the Dutch are as laidback in their security as they are in their TV directing.
FULL KIT WANKER!! No wait, it’s John Terry who has proved once again that he really doesn’t care about being ridiculed.  We all knew he’d do it, didn’t we?  The rest of the injured/cup tied players stay in their suits.
Clive hasn’t finished trashing people so far, as he gets in a quip in on Michele Platini looking unenthused about handing over a trophy to an English team again.
So Chelsea become just the fifth team to win the full set of European trophies, while Benfica have lost a second decisive match in a week to an injury time goal, and the curse of Bela Guttman lives on with a seventh final defeat since 1962.