In an astonishing mix-up that is set to shake football to its bejewelled rotten core it transpires that Manchester United and Arsenal accidentally signed each other’s players during yesterday’s transfer deadline dealings.
With the north Londoners desperately lacking some muscle and drive in their midfield seven foot freakshow Maruoane Felliani was their primary target, a powerful piston for their engine room and available at a price that wouldn’t send Ebenezer Wenger into a fit of cold sweats. Additionally they were chasing a quality left-back – ideally someone on loan to appeal to Le Prof’s penny-pinching ways – or, as a Gunners source confided to us, “Anyone but Kieran f***ing Gibbs”. With one of the world’s best Coentrao frozen out at Real it seemed a match made in heaven.
United meanwhile were sorely in need of some creativity centrally saddled as they are with an aging midfield that is as unimaginative as a BBC1 sitcom. Arch schemer and part-time Kermit the frog impressionist Ozil fitted the bill perfectly despite the extravagant fee required to lure him from Spain.
So far, so straightforward. Except that somewhere along the way developments not unlike Hitchcock’s Strangers On A Train began to unravel where each chief executive began to aggressively target the other’s concern.
New United chief exec Edward Woodward’s straw man argument collapsed in flames like his most famous role from his previous incarnation as a respected RADA-trained actor.
“I was reading an article about Arsenal Hotspur that morning about how they were seriously deficient in two areas. I guess it just stuck in my head and I forgot who I was working for. This is completely alien territory for me – buying stock…or players…or whatever they’re called – so hopefully the Red Devils fans will cut me some slack. But I have to hold my hands up and say my bad. At least we realised at the eleventh hour and didn’t sign the boy from Madrid. I personally fudged the paperwork on that one to spare us further humiliation”.
The reasons for Arsenal’s embarrassing clusterf*** is unknown though our close source has revealed Wenger did not take the news well when informed late last night.
“He’s been rocking in a chair, eyes twitching, and babbling in French for several hours now. You have to feel sorry for the old goat. For him spunking away over forty million on a player you don’t actually need is like spending your life savings on a luxury car only to discover you already had three in your garage”.