The Cutter understands that the Double Standards Commission – the little-known independent public body set up in 2011 after Cheryl Tweedy/Cole/Whatever-Her-Name-Is criticised an X-Factor contestant’s voice as being ‘limited’ – are to investigate Manchester United and all its 659 million supporters on a charge of ‘rank hypocrisy’.
The charge stems from their celebratory reaction to the club spunking the average national debt of a small African nation on six players this summer and smashing all spending records since time began into the bargain.
This follows years of mocking their neighbours and rivals Manchester City for ‘buying success’ and claiming such methods are ‘not the United way’.
“We received a complaint from pretty much every resident of the UK who thinks Ryan Giggs is a despicable human being and it is our duty to follow it up” Dr Dee Ception, the chairwoman of the commission told us.
“We should be clear that the club splurging a million pounds a week in wages on their forward line alone is not the issue here. Nor is the fact that one of them earns £20,000 an hour meaning if he drops twenty quid he’s earned it back by the time he’s stooped to pick it up. The common consensus is that Manchester United was in desperate need of a very expensive overhaul and they have duly broken the bank to achieve this aim”.
“The problem arises from the perception that is being propagated by Reds in relation to this mad sweep through football’s Waitrose. After several seasons of deriding their neighbours for similar – if less extravagant – purchases and referring to those players as ‘mercenaries’ it would be logical to assume the same thinking applied here? Yet we are already seeing clear evidence that these merc…sorry, players – who have joined a 7th placed club for vast amounts of dosh in lieu of Champions League and slightly less vast amounts of dosh – are being packaged as ‘galacticos’. It is here where – like Oscar Pistorius – they don’t have a leg to stand on”.
We asked Dr Ception what defence United have offered in relation to these claims of mind-boggling speciousness that carries the punishment of nationwide guffawing if found guilty.
After initially mishearing us and laughing at the likes of Smalling and Blackett she replied,
“We’ve heard lots of testimony concerning the club’s revenue might – how they have effectively earned the right to s***-spray the market for new personnel. But personally I fail to see how Singapore shirt sales are any more credible a source for expenditure as personal investment as we’ve witnessed down the road”
Playing red devil advocate I then enquired about Manchester United’s famed policy of homegrown development. Doesn’t this counterbalance any accusations of extravagance?
“Ah I’m afraid you’re speaking to the wrong person there” she responded. “You need to get in touch with our colleagues at the Bare Faced Lie Department for that. In the meantime our enquiry continues. So if anybody can tell me why Yaya Toure is a ‘mercenary’ while Falcao is a ‘galatico’ I’d love to hear from them”.