In an exclusive and revealing interview with the Cutter newly installed Sunderland head honcho Big Sam Atanyprice has claimed he can now ‘put my fucking slippers on’ after masterminding a comprehensive north-east derby win at the weekend.
The Mackems 3-0 triumph over struggling Newcastle keeps the beleaguered Wearsiders in the drop-zone but has certainly raised the spirits and belief of the fans who now find themselves dreaming of mid-table obscurity and the occasional three points.
Yet according to Atanyprice – who spent the entire interview waxing his nether-regions with a blunt carving knife while admiring his ‘armoury’ in a full-length mirror – such aspirations are not his concern and the backroom staff and players can now take a well-earned break until April.
“We’ve trolleyed the Geordies and that’s all I was brought in to do. Now myself and the boys can take it easy until the last few games of the season where we’ll work like single mums who have had their tax credit cut to ensure safety. It’s piss-easy this lark. I’ve even cancelled all training sessions until the new year. As long as my team turn up on matchdays and look suitably annoyed when we concede that’s all I can ask for.”
In an amazing stat it transpires that Atanyprice is the 27th consecutive Sunderland manager to beat Newcastle in his second game in charge and we can assume the generously-headed veteran will now follow the other 26 in overseeing a dismal run of mediocrity that amounts to a disgrace to the paying public.
“Yup, tradition is tradition and you don’t fuck with that. From now until we face Arsenal on April 3rd it might look like I’m an impassioned manager on the touchline – chewing gum and pointing a lot – but in my head I’ll be working out my courses for the Celebrity Come Dine With Me I’ve agreed to or imagining Rachel Riley without her nik-naks on.”
Atanyprice makes for pleasant company and twice offers us some lapsang tea in between his studious waxing. The only blot on his landscape it seems is a perceived under-appreciation for the management skills he shown on Sunday.
“The local rags are putting our win down to that bloke with the clown’s wig getting sent off. Bollocks. I geed the lads up good and proper and got into their heads just like Lord Alex always told me to do. I threatened to shave Fletch’s beard off so people would recognise him again and told Pants he was adopted from a circus. I even stuck a photo of that cute daughter from Modern Family on each corner flag to keep AJ out wide. Tactical genius me so watch out Arsenal.”